March 25, 2007
sureness is something i have always found hard to come by. it's not for want of confidence, but for a certain restlessness of mind/spirit etc.
for the first time in years, i have music on a fairly grand scale in my room again. i sold my iPod recently, so i could get some enjoyment out of commuting again. i find the iPod experience helps disconnect you from the world, which sucks, as people are pretty disconnected from one another anyway, i feel. don't get me wrong - they're great for long distance travel, but for the regular brevity of the commute, i'd rather dip in and out of a book. just finished Martin Amis' "The Information" since you asked, and enjoyed it immensely. recommendations happily accepted.
life in funswick is wonderfully stable, insofar as i can derive any happiness from that - happiness is a tenuous proposition anyway, so i'd rather be stable and tenuously happy than unstable and tenuously happy.
changes since my horribly-ages-ago last post include: growing worry about how long i can mantain the facade of caring about a job i clearly have little interest in despite the life it allows me to live in terms of personal comfort, the arrival of lola , a cute and sickly little tortoise-shell into the funswick homestead (shown here on housie's journal), my rapid consumption of my first batch of homebrew (turned out great!), the feeding of friends and accidental offending of others, and the purchase and imminent arrival of this...
...further proving my financial management skills have not improved in line with the higher income/expenses. laugh all you like; so-called 'metal' guitars of this vintage are excellent playing instruments, and brilliant to record with. i'm buying it as a fire-up-arse-light to make some comforting sounds of my own again. if i fire up in public with a toneful ensemble, there'll probably need to be another guitar for that (for pure sonic purposes), but i'm growing in the confidence to actually play out with the/a shred-beast. my friend mel helped me confront this, actually, and i realised the coolsie indie-ness of only condoning the reverential use of indie-approved retro instruments is just another aesthetic fascism in reverse: these guitars carry a stigma because a lot of the bands that played axes like this often used an outrageous visual sensibility to compensate for musical lacks. ergo, the only way to shut the critics up is by playing something substantial and awesome with it. i think my 17 years of playing music, 8 years of writing and co-writing original tunes, and 30-odd years of super-broad listening might help there. all i do these days is shred the acoustic, while squealing away off key to exercise the vocal cords. the upside is, the chops are still good as gold, i just dont have anyone to write for. housie is remarkably understanding about the wailing.
i thought i didn't have much to say, oddly. but there's stuff to be learned/mined from life hanging sometimes pleasantly, sometimes blandly in this suspended state between desire and action, about normal for me. my foot slipped temporarily into my mouth while back-and-forthing with my favouritest (a pattern we'd somehow managed to blessedly avoid for nearly a year now) over some insecurity she's feeling, me and the housie have weathered our own little storm, i've grown increasingly complacent about a variety of things, and i'm (bizarrely) generally non-plussed by much of what the world has/is throwing at me.
it seems for me that 'calm' is a double-edged sword; the absence of many stresses also saps the desire for change. i thrive on change, but the uncertainty of it kills my mental health. turn the volume down or take my foot off the accelerator as i have for the past few months, and i think straight, but my heart quails a little - the upbringing means i'm far too comfortable with a life that doesn't match the (relative) heights i've allowed myself to hit when giving further sway to my more romantic leanings. i like risk.
so why don't i anymore?
the point (if there is one) is, i have recently got myself back into a position i was in about five years ago, when i risked a lot and lost. i got back to here by systematically restoring some touch points that have provided me with security - photos and music. i've hatched the roughest of plans for a new band, uploaded 700 odd photos to flickr - (check 'em out, do - it's all the past, but it's the sweat of film photography rather than the offhand snapping of digital - not dissing users, i just find that i don't 'think' as creatively with a dig in my hand: the process is part of the art *for me*, and film still wins). i also plan to move in the next 12 months back to writing (at least part time) again - reviews, interviews, etc. i need to flex in some format that isn't the bland diarising i always seem to fall back on here. i need to have a goal (ie. criticism, analysis) for what i write to feel that writing is useful. many journallers are so much more entertaining than myself, that i never bother with that here. plus i'm piss-funny IRL, LOL!!11!
so stay tuned.
i'll leave you with an image of my old amp, a pure monster, that i have hung onto not because of any material attachment, but because i only throw my heart after something (or someone) that i know has gravitas, warmth, power, potential for the future - something that will facilitate growth, that will give as much as it takes. in a fit of overblown self-congratulation one day, i re-labelled all the controls - boring stuff like 'bass' 'mid' and 'treble' - with terms like 'arse' 'thwack' and 'zing' because i thought they more accurately reflected what this amp could do. in humbug's last dozen or so gigs (the band i used to be in) this amp's sound got me more compliments from soundguys than in the previous 7 years of shows.
it will sing again soon.
ps. yes, that quote over the name badge *is* a quote from Dante - "Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here."
i'd peel such pretentiousness off if every single word wasn't true.
Posted by reuben at March 25, 2007 3:19 PM
i wish you hadn't linked to that photo of our wee lass. it's a cute shot, yes, but the quality is *dreadful*... all your arty friends will think terrible things about the talentless company you keep. indeed *i* will think terrible things of the talentless company you are keeping.
Posted by: elaine at March 26, 2007 9:41 AM
gay fever huh? *tut, tut* you missed out on a pie floater. you fool! although i see you had a new axe to grind so you could be forgiven.
Posted by: jess C soon to be B at March 26, 2007 5:43 PM
jess - yeah, i had a bad case of the gay fever... don't you just *love* predictive text? i will hold you to that pie floater another night, though - so sorry about the shit timing. i'll call you guys towards the end of the week; tomorrow i'm having dinner at a swish restaurant (thanks, wheelie!), then i'm going to the pixies on wednesday (w00t!) and on thursday i'm auditioning to be an audience moron on 1 vs 100. don't ask. i am also not going to buy another guitar on payday in a non-rent week from a german with slightly wayward english.
e - you are not at all talentless, you eejit! *points to sewing room* hello?. and it was just a 'this is her' pic - there's plenty of time for us to get all arty, yet.
Posted by: ruby at March 26, 2007 7:11 PM
I must come round and show you the Phaser and Wha-wha. I'd say I'll bring round the Ibenez but I wouldn't subject you to my average playing.
Posted by: theDoor at March 28, 2007 10:56 PM
PIXIES REVIEW PLEASE.
Posted by: mskp at March 29, 2007 2:40 PM
Now that I have gone all depresso-melodramatic and removed a bunch of everything from my place lolacatz can be found here.
If this link works in your comments. If not, cut and paste this
Posted by: elaine at April 12, 2007 9:53 AM
you are the only person who has admitted that film is still better. though better obviously is a variable/relative term that differs for different people.
i find photos have left my life with the advent of digital. most of my photos, nay all of them of the last year + have been taken on my phone. crapola.
we dug out the slr and though she weighs a ton and is old and has no flash, and is limited in the way of zoom, i am excited again at the prospect of pulling out a folder of pics to show people, perhaps (though you never do, do you?) getting some albums happening.
life is speeding by, people are growing, changing, coming and going, and i like to record with photos.
Posted by: melbournegirl at April 24, 2007 9:00 PM
incidentally, (potkettleblacketc) I wish you would write more.
Posted by: elaine at June 23, 2007 11:48 PM
You're incredible. I loved the honesty of this post.
Posted by: ladyb at October 9, 2007 11:28 PM