November 13, 2006
here's to better daze
what a difference a month makes...
i looked in an old (physical, book-type) journal the other day and saw this line i'd written: "... i fly this holding pattern with a pilot's patience, and a passenger's longing for landing." though i was talking about a soldier girl, so far away, who made my head spin around, i can only smirk when i think of the restlessness and impatience that, no matter where i go and how i grow (or resist growth), seems always a part of me. in every aspect of my life.
will be starting a new gig in a few weeks that won't require much of my passion, but will need most of my energy. but i'm content to circle now, whereas as a younger man i would have been champing at the bit, wanting specific changes to happen now/10 minutes ago/ yesterday. the changes i want to make will take time. and money. i can give myself to this, create a basis of stability for a few years, then shift. can't i? it can suck, thinking and dwelling on how one might not be in a particular position if one hadn't made such bad choices, and it can even suck thinking that a new direction is a compromise, however positive. this choice made me, rather than i it: right now, i want more stability. i can only get that from this steady, steady new trajectory.
but rather than it being a fearful, conservative choice, it has taken tremendous courage - the daily grind is not who i am, and though i do an awesome imitation of someone who is capable and solid there, it is not my natural terrain. i feel like an animal in the zoo must; it's life, like, but not as it should be. i can only grit my teeth, project the gains i can make in my creative endeavours and charge on in, making ongoing reassessments about whether i am getting the satisfaction - overall, in life - that the job merely facilitates/provides.
i chose it because of the implications for my real life. i've been serving up a stilted, limited version of myself to people in my world for months and months now. amazingly, this watered-down version i've been - in terms of audacity, not honesty - has somehow made me still able to be seen as attractive and vibrant to some people, even though i haven't been a me i'm really proud of for quite a while. i've been accepting limitations, and acquiescing under challenges i would normally dig in my heels and fight against for so long; this was never me in a previous, prouder incarnation, and i've loathed it. but i finally feel some of the fight coming back, and there's work that needs to be done. work i can't do if i'm too dependent on any one person.
the knowledge that i had hit the bottom and have started on the upward part of the arc again made me make a change this weekend to a wonderful relationship i've been in for the past six months or so. to end one phase, but only ultimatley to become something better, even if it means we miss out on some fun with each other in the short term...
i'm moving soon, with someone i was seeing, but am not anymore. because we know we're good together. because we will be great at living together. but we came together in a way that was more comfortable and friendly than explosions and doppler shifts, more gently 'tested' than a frantic collision, and we want to keep getting the goodness of each other without the burden of expectation. some of our closest know, some don't; some understand. some don't. none of this matters: i - and she, as far as i know from the honest words we've shared on the matter - know it is the right thing.
some might see it as cynical. i'm far from cycnical; in the past i've been struck to my knees under the weight of my own saturation in love, buoyed through horrible things on the lightness of my own heart at waking next to someone and just sitting, watching the quiet miracle of her breathing, her aliveness, wanting to die right in that moment of observing her sleep, my summum bonum, the happiest experience i could ever possibly have, and all i could ever want. i am continually humbled by any and all affection people show me; on a good day, i am thankful, and grateful, and do my best to reciprocate. on a bad day, i wonder how i could possibly deserve such a gift.
but somehow these days i'm generally much more the realist about how to have respectful and mature relationships even in the absence of the arrows and butterflies. i'm not immune to love, it's not even 'harder' for me to fall than it once was (as if we have any say in that!). i just accept that you don't 'choose' who you fall for - that's why they call it 'falling', it's not a *step* you take, it's a stumble that can hurt you on landing or give you more wild, heady forward momentum than you know what to do with...
i don't want someone i care about to be with anyone who's not being or giving their all - even if the 'anyone' who's not being or giving their bestest and mostest is *me*. i ain't kicked myself to the curb before, but i don't feel bad about having done it. it's not about thinking 'she's better off without me' or me having 'low self-esteem', it's about seeing what we're *actually* good at being for each other and not imposing any retrofit Couple™ kits on it; being able to stand back and assess what we really do and mean for each other, what's good and bad, and how best to emhpasise the strong and minimise the weak.
i'll fall in love again, as will she. but, "... to find someone you love, you've got to *be* someone you love."
so. i've got work to do.
heartfelt thanks for all the sofars, soons and will-bes, wheelie. i've loved every minute...
Posted by reuben at November 13, 2006 8:13 PM
you know my heart, precious man.
it has been, is, will be everything and more than i ever thought and then some.
don't forget to leave her shoes outside the bedroom door.
i love you.
Posted by: elaine at November 13, 2006 11:11 PM
i not sure which puts me to shame more: your honesty, your eloquence, your heart or your flawless typing. in the land where i am, they say "gambatte ne" (or as my students say "fighto!"). i will raise the beer next to me and toast to who people are, who they are meant to be, and to who they fight to become. hugs through data packets. x
Posted by: richard at November 14, 2006 12:52 AM
cheers right back, poet.
missing you, too. when you back from the land of the rising sun? i will be in perth for xmas, though only for xmas. i expect frisbees (sorry, disc), laughter, squeaking golden sand, posturing halfwits and frontier mentality, inflated real estate prices, underground artists, careful attention, loud music and lovelovelove. your absence willl be felt... who'll bring the lucksmiths tunes and natty hairstyles?
ps. though i am slightly tubbier than you these days, i fully expect some ultra-cool japanese waify-man outerwear when you come home, preferably featuring some bawdy Engrish about fanny.
Posted by: ruby at November 14, 2006 9:06 AM
sigh, not back until august next year. was going to come back for xmas, but my budget has been curtailed. i'll probably be spending winter here falling down surprisingly painful snow on the mountains and sitting in spas with old naked japanese men.
working on the final fantasy ambi-sexual look, though i can never get the hair right. i think i know just the underwear for you tho. will miss liquefying on the porch with you buddy - i'll track you down after being chased out of perth next year x
Posted by: richard at November 14, 2006 6:16 PM
word, hombre. i got your news that you're coming back, but couldn't respond--isabel had hidden her phone, and for good reason. shits & giggles, eh?
anyway, catching up shall be mint, as will the ashes series we can watch.
see you soon, tiger
p.s. "cockwomble"? you're a crude neologist of the highest rank, sir.
Posted by: marty at November 16, 2006 12:51 PM