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October 9, 2006

stop and grow

bella_beer.jpg

a quick meme, with apologies to sub for the lateness. life's been.

1. Three things that scare me
People dumb enough to believe in 'Intelligent' Design or limitless economic growth. *shudders*
Enclosed spaces and restricted movement
My talent for unwittingly hurting people I care about

2. Three people that make me laugh
Clunk
Liverpool supporters; nothing like scouse wit.
Fits

3. Three things I hate the most
Cowardice
People with no spatial awareness; dicks who can't move in crowds, who stop dead (with flow behind them) can't estimate space, don't look when coming out of doorways, can't merge. all should die.
'Front' masking limited ability; greatness doesn't need to announce itself, it's always ready

4. Three things I don't understand
How frequently Naked Emperors get away with it
Why people give a fuck about material 'stuff', who focus more on shit they own over who they are.
Nationalism. How can a place (geographical/physical reality) own 'values' (abstract, ideals influencing behaviour/social exchange)?

5. Three things I'm doing right now
Contemplating poverty
Recovering from a sudden fit of spontaneous blubbing
Applying for jobs I don't want because all the good jobs are about who, not what, you know

6. Three things I want to do before I die
Find someone I trust enough to live and make babies with. I'm cool with it not happening, it would just be lovely. i found two, but they both left.
Make one really amazing work of art, musical, photographic, i don't care - something worthy of leaving behind so the few people who knew me and who touched my life might look at it or hear it and be reminded 'yeah, that's him. all he wanted to do was give us something to know him by'.
Love as unreservedly, courageously and passionately as I did the last time, risking everything. This is less aspirational of course; I know it will, eventually, happen. I just wish it would happen while i still feel capable of using my changing energy levels to their best ends.

7. Three things I can do
Write, though I don't offer anything on this journal as evidence.
Take good pictures with any camera in any lighting after two minutes of familiarising.
Travel with a light step. I'm never happier than when going somewhere new.
*Honourable Mention: wail a rock guitar lead break like a fucking possessed man.

8. Three ways to describe my personality
Brash?Arrogant (I don't feel it, but i know people think it)
Playful
Tender

9. Three things I can't do
Wait
Relax
Bite my tongue when someone is being rude, aggressive or unreasonable.

10. Three things I think you should listen to
M83, Before the Dawn Heals Us. I stole this description - "my bloody valentine with keyboards". Enough said.
Sufjan. Godboy rocks, sincerely.
The Go! Team. Ass-shakin' party music par excellence. I can't dance to save myself, but nothing can stop me from moving to this album. I'd dance to it to save YOUR life. Proof that music to make you move doesn't have to be a metronomic bleepy drug soundtrack, but actual people-playing-it organic music.

11. Three things you should never listen to
Governments. They should be listening to you.
Anyone rebounding from a long-term relationship.
Your head; at least, when it's trying to shout down your heart.

12. Three things I'd like to learn
To get out of my own way
To do what i should, not what i want
Money; how to be good at handling it while still not giving a shit about wealth, status, power etc.

13. Three favourite foods
Pasta, if i'm making it
Mushrooms in just about any configuration
Pho (and noodle soups in general if they're fresh)

14. Three beverages I drink regularly
water
red wines
the milk of human kindness...

15. Three shows I watched as a kid
Match of The Day
Countdown
Anything to do with space (Battlestar Galactica etc)

16...Three people I'm tagging
none.

the stallion doesn't tag (private - and very bad - joke).

***

it's been a strange and frustrating time since the last post; the imminent job loss morphed into actual unemployment, despite picking up some freelance gigs here and there. this time last year (subtracting a few months) I was so broke I had to sell my guitar to get bond together for a new place. i'm so stretched at the moment that i may have to flog THAT guitar's replacement to make rent next month.

and today is a special anniversary. the birth of someone whose very existence bolsters mine. an old friend, a best friend, a perfect lover, a spiky travel companion, a lifetime's affection. the only sense the world has ever made.

she's way away on the other side of this huge rock, kicking massive career goals, sharing a life with someone more solid than me. for three years now, i haven't been able to say happy birthday properly. for one of them, i was over there. i gave her some magic shoes, dreamwalking shoes to put on while imagining yourself in another life. she hadn't settled yet, london was still pushing and challenging. i wanted there to be a link between me and her and there.
but i was a link to a life she wanted to leave behind; i might have been a good thing at a bad time, but good or not, i was part of that time, and had to be severed along with the rest of it. i see that now - back then, all i could see was the bloodletting. mine.
the next year, i sent her a movie of her past and a poster-size print of her spiritual sister, the good bits, so she wouldn't forget. she has a terrible memory. she called me, weeping, and thanked me. and still i hardly heard from her, forging the new in east london. 2005 was crazy. i sent her endless cups of tea, but it was a tiny, desperate flare sent up in the darkness our relationship had become.
when she came to visit in january, i acted my socks off just to convince them i was sane and okay.

and what of this year? i have nothing but every space between every breath and beat to offer my b. i was feeling dejected this morning, and marty, one of our mutual bestest friends had posted this lovely song on his own journal. by dumb coincidence, i recently put this on a mix disc.

it felt like a gift. sure, i'll admit to having a soft spot for christopher eccleston, but then i put it to you that few other actors could take a concept so simple and make it scan.

is there a point? can i tie this up?

i've been pretty down, which in turn makes me feel guilty, cos i'm scared i won't be very good company for those closest to me these days, (even though we are remarkably good at talking plainly with each other) or because i have ability and skill at some things and then feel i must be flawed in some other way if i can't then turn that into opportunity or success in other parts of my life. i'm my own harshest critic right now.

but the antidote to such sadness and ill-timing and things just not going my way is not more moping and bitching, is it? i'm far from the pollyanna type; i've chowed down too many fluoxetines and xanaxes to ever be accused of that, and even the birthday girl in question has painted me with a cynic's brush. but i think this clip is about remembering that the other way is a better tactic for digging yourself out of the hole you stand in.

today, better than any drug or therapeutic gambit is the simple knowledge that someone who shook me to the very core is in her moment, is a star. she will be first and foremost in her world, showered hopefully, even in tiny fractions of the joy i've seen her bring to others (her gift - drawing people in, making them feel valued, eliciting truth), and know she's given me. in metrics i can never repay. she is hope and trust in human form. i take happiness and hope from merely knowing of hers. i never just wanted her, i wanted to be more *like* her, too.

ain't that all love is?

happy birthday, b.

r

x

ps. apologies to bloglines users; i am a linktard.

Posted by reuben at October 9, 2006 1:28 PM

Comments

Lack of spacial awareness: FUCK YES. What is it with these people?

I pretty much don't go in the city anymore because it drives me insane.


That was a very heartfelt meme...hope you can feel some cheer soon in these difficult times.

xS

Posted by: sublime-ation at October 9, 2006 6:19 PM

ha! you should hear the 'discussion' I had with a customer about intelligent design.

shriek and shudder

x

Posted by: panda at October 9, 2006 9:56 PM

just the memory of how she made me feel in some bad moments, along with that glorious link from marty are some sturdy candles to be reminded of in my Great Wide Grey, not that ive spoken to ehre since moir st (or you in ages gorgeous!) the mere thought that for every 11 people (had to include myself) that want to harm me, there's one person who now or in a past incarnation was/is happy to listen and accept you. sturdy candles... and a simple title of an average sci-fi book, "only forward"...
hmm cant find my point. nihon train stations are terrible for shamblers. im always missing trains.
from your long lost lover, rrs x

Posted by: richard at October 9, 2006 10:12 PM

ahh, i knew i was missing someone making lists in my life. Feel like a houseguest early next year? I'm blowing this crazy place once and for all and heading home to... nothingness. so thought i would take up some home grown travel.

chin up sunshine!

Posted by: catherine at October 10, 2006 6:20 PM

my fiercest opponent, staunchest supporter, elephant memory, arrow slinger, tea trolley boy, guitar shredder, bionic eye, goodtime gal, occasional dossing tender heart:

thank you.

for it all. the whole shebang.

in the mental snapshots of those good times you've gone to great pains to remind me of, you should know that you weren't behind the camera; you were in the frame.

and richard: good lord but i miss you, and that moir street rooftop.

wow + flutter.

x

Posted by: clara bow at October 10, 2006 8:00 PM

Hope things are looking up.

Posted by: Chai at October 22, 2006 11:57 PM

Hey. Nice reflections. Can't have been easy to write, so thanks v. much for sharing.

People with no spatial awareness; dicks who can't move in crowds, who stop dead (with flow behind them) can't estimate space, don't look when coming out of doorways, can't merge. all should die.

Dude, I'm sorry, I think that's me. Seriously, I blunder, and people claim I'm always walking on top of them or stumbling into them. I can't speak for others but I have some visual-spatial organisational problems, and my eyes scan weirdly. HEY CAN I HELP IT IF I'M A BIT SPAZZY. NO I CAN'T MKAY SHOW SOME RESPECT. Surprisingly I am ok with actual, like, 'choreography' but just gimpy with some of life's most basic gross motor requirements. Apologies on behalf of my kind - we don't always mean ill.*

NOTE - To add to things to do before you die - wear the womble costume again. Or maybe that should be something *I* attempt to do. Or maybe we can both make La Pirate wear it, she would be extremely cute.


*Unless we're talking ill as in, 'I'm so ill at Super Mario' in which case OF COURSE we mean to me ill all the damn time yo.

Posted by: jellyfish at October 25, 2006 11:22 PM

our solution, miss jelly, is thus clear (re: the you being fine with choreography but not normal movement) – whenever you and i see each other out in public, we must only walk the Jets Walk (humming Bernstein and Sondheim's arse-kicking 'feem toon' entirely optional).

spazzy = endearing, btw.

Posted by: reuben at November 7, 2006 7:25 PM

me wear the womble costume? i don't think i'd be allowed...

Posted by: elaine at November 8, 2006 8:42 PM

e,

you may borrow the holy womble suit, should a suitable occasion arise.

whether or not it will fit is in the hands of fate.

and i should warn you both (e and jelly) – it gets damn hot in that thing, like sweating off kilos hot!

r

ps. chill, bitchez, i wash it after every use...

Posted by: reuben at November 13, 2006 9:53 PM

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