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April 9, 2006

you've been away, for so long ...

some of you will know i used to take rock photos, like this

thurston.jpg

and this

kim_deal.jpg

but i can make anyone look like a rock star - witness, my good friend marty, who, despite brilliant taste in and knowlegdeability about music, has the most atonal voice, ohmyfuck ...

marty_X_proc_glendower.jpg

or this chick, who i was engaged to years ago, and who actually is quite musical ...

clunky_swansea.jpg

and i have others of people close to me, for which i'll have to get permission to post...

my point, basically, is - of all the things i've turned my hand to - it's with a camera in my hands i feel most like i have 'voice'. ironic, as most people close to me have spent years trying to get me to shut up.

but just because you talk doesn't mean you're saying anything.

even while i was doing it i knew this. picking up a camera taught me how to be quiet.

i wanted to talk about why i've been away so long, but i've been trying to avoid writing about personal stuff in this forum. fuck - failing at that, too ... let's just chalk it up to my 'why chromosome' - my disturbing inquisitiveness, of wanting to know what's behind everything ... i can't take much at face value, cos there're too many beautiful lies.

between the november entry and now, my head's been done in. more than once. by gals. had a special visitor and her man who's everything i could never be and safer, too... she was so happy so i smiled along like i knew the tune, part of me was genuinely happy for seeing her so ... comfortable, part of me still ached, deadly-deep, with a stormy knowledge (i GOT her, we both knew, she GOT me, we both knew), i've been through a busy time at my workplace, i've been 'home' to perth and loved up friends, hung out with a new perth someone who i thought could be - at least - a good friend

i don't know if constantly overestimating people, wanting to believe they are capable of courageous and honest acts, makes me cynical or romantic ... is it cynical simply because i think of it as an overestimation, or is it romantic because, however unlikely, i believe people want to be their best, and as often as they can?

realised, by comparison, the value of my very real friends there, and wanted to pack them all up and bring them back to melbourne with me, to my home. one visited just before i went back, and another's here now. i'm pretty blessed that they even bother with me at all, really, given how volatile i am in general, and have been specifically to some of them. when i say i don't know why, i'm not fishing for anything - i really don't know why, what 'purpose' my friendship has.

but the old friend back in my arms this week, she's a keeper ... she's silver halides and fuck off to cost structures; for some things, analogue is the only way. the stuff i shoot on film is invariably better, because i know it like a lover's skin. we go back a long way, me and film.

i am both. i am digital and analogue, grayscale and colour. right now, i feel like i'm in between everything and nowhere for sure and certain.


Posted by reuben at April 9, 2006 7:25 PM

Comments

Let's not discuss Marty's fixation with the Gallager brothers.

Posted by: Crispin at May 25, 2006 4:28 PM

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