March 9, 2009

I've moved

ivemoved.jpg

A little preemptive announcement as the site is still in disrepair,
but re-bookmark me please.

I am natalija.com.au

x

Posted by natalija at 10:42 PM | Comments (0)

February 25, 2009

Up In Lights

26february.jpg

Finally the most significant day of the year has been recognised.

This and the Facebook events calendar should see me through...


[current mood] Organic Red Wine & New Email Beep

Posted by natalija at 8:11 PM | Comments (2)

February 24, 2009

I'm a little gassy

periodic_chart.gif

Contemplating my highly reactive state I thought that perhaps I could be likened to a highly reactive element, like Francium or Cesium. I've previously described myself as porous, like one of those house sponges that just drinks up whatever it lays in. That's fairly accurate. But now I'm liking the picture of me as a gas. Little molecules floating around in a pink haze - pretty vibey, pretty fast moving... but at high risk of contamination.
Sometimes a good result, sometimes a bad one, but always REACTIVE.

Here are some chemical equations I have worked out.

my_reactions.jpg

I am (in my Eckhart Tollesque way) working on not reacting. I am working my way back up the chart, and over to the right. I'd feel pretty comfortable if I settled on Carbon. Plain old simple, low reaction Carbon.

Eventually I might become a diamond.


[current mood] Beach Runs & Death Cab

Posted by natalija at 4:43 PM | Comments (0)

February 17, 2009

Herbal product shop denies herbs doing things

I walked passed "The Well Within" in Cottesloe for the first time and saw what looked like an old Parisian Apothecary. Little jars and labels and oils.
Ooh! This might be the shop that will have something that I need...

Conversation as follows:

"Hi there, I'm just wondering if you have any of those smudge sticks - the kind you burn. Like herbs.."

"No, we don't believe in that."

"Huh. Believe in what?"

"That's spiritual stuff."

"Well, no, it's herbs that you burn."

"But for what purpose?"

"Cleansing"

"Cleansing what?"

"Energy... in a room...."

"No, we don't believe in that. Just pray to the holy spirit"

"Ok then, bye"


Needless to say I am a little perplexed as I would have thought that a herbal shop would believe in herbal qualities - like purification of air. It's just what 'take' you have on it I suppose. But who would deny that some sage and juniper would freshen up a room, (and yes, killing off old energy left by previous occupants). Just not sure if the holy spirit is going to help me out here...


[current mood] Bananas & Yoga Songs

Posted by natalija at 9:39 AM | Comments (0)

February 14, 2009

Fear of Flying explored

The past 16 months has seen my little body move across the globe as outlined below:

With every flight I think that my fear can't get any worse. I often promise the god of the air that if he just lets me land safe then I'll never step on another plane. I'll boat, I'll bike, I'll bloody walk, just land me this one time.

When I'm up there above the globe, staring at the wings functioning correctly, I reflect on being a child and how much I loved to fly. No knowledge of the mechanics or crashing issues of the world, just the amazingness of being in the air and off to another land. I think it might be that my brain has grown to be filled with facts of human-error, mechanical-failure and basic bad luck.

No matter how many times I count the number of flights taking place per year thinking statistically I'll be fine or that I'm more likely to die from being hit by a coconut, it just does not take away the fact that we are simply TOO HIGH and if something goes wrong there is no out.

It's just not right. Why can't we fly 200 metres up? How can we trust this metal structure with so many miles between us and the earth. Every little bump or shake of the plane sends my gut and mind spiralling into "is that the engine failing?" or "what if something just stops". I start to do little prayers - rekindling my relationship with God. My mind starts to work overtime as I worry my bad thoughts will encourage crashing, so I start trying to generate a positive energy for the plane, thinking I have personal responsibility for the safety of the plane, as if my brain controls what happens next.
I need the movies to distract myself.

Every flight I ask that I just make it home one more time, as i'm not quite ready for dying. I just want to spend a little more time with my partner, or just see my family, or experience this upcoming project.. there is always an excuse.
I never quite reach the point where I accept that it could be the end of me.
So I clench my butt cheeks and harness my brain power to help the plane land safely.

When we get closer to the ground I start to envisage the plane crashing, just to see if I'd make it alive. Nup, too high, not possible, oh hang on, some trees, yes, they could buffer the fall, I constantly visualise the plane crashing and how I would react in group full of strangers, right up until we are metres for the ground and then I totally relax.
Each time I land, a warm glow enters my body, yes, I made it one more time.

After my last flight I declared that I wouldn't fly for a very long time. I can't bear the idea of this fear getting worse.
But then I got an invitation to one of my best friends weddings in Melbourne. And now I'm booked to go through it again.

There's no escape for a modern woman with a fear of flying.


[current mood] Star of Bethlehem Flower Essence & The Phone Ringing

Posted by natalija at 6:59 PM | Comments (3)

September 15, 2008

Dominos

When in Broome I thought I'd buy some games to add to our collection. Deep within a general store I found this set of Dominos on a shelf.
In a raw timber box with inky print, I felt this little set was going to be pretty special. And it was only 4 bucks!

domino1

I finally opened it on the open road, with my brother, to "break up the monotony" (as anything that wasn't driving was being coined.)

And what I found was some dodgily hand inked dominos of questionable numeracy. I visualised lines of Chinese children each delegated a different domino combination to ink. The 6 6 kid was clearly over worked.

domino2

But we could still play on. Except that we didn't know how.
So we went to read the instructions.
And they were clearly in another language.
Not Chinese either.

domino3

But in the middle of no where, we got an internet connection and downloaded some instructions.

Fuck I love wireless.

domino4

[current mood] White Wine & Dynamo Productions

Posted by natalija at 9:43 PM | Comments (0)

September 4, 2008

The Love Heart

juicy_heart.jpg
A love heart.
It looks juicy. It's full to its brim, flowing with love for it's lover.

receeding_heart.jpg
On a break up, or a break or a lie or inflicted hurt... the heart's fullness begins to recede.
The love lessens, over any length of time. It lessens.
If nothing changes, it continues to recede, smaller and smaller and smaller. Until it is just a notch in the side of the heart.
The heart has a memory.

letting_in_love.jpg
But this recession makes room for a new lover. This new love can fill up the heart slowly with new colour, new flavour.

current_heart.jpg
This is what my heart currently looks like.


[current mood] Stevie Wonder & Crab Taglierini

Posted by natalija at 5:51 PM | Comments (1)

August 23, 2008

Scrabble in The Kimberley

scrabble_kimberley.jpg

I've been travelling the coast of Western Australia for the past 2 weeks in this mustard van that is falling apart all around us. Most of it is now gaffa taped together. And we have to lock the back door using a screw driver...
But it goes. And that is all that matters.

Whilst travelling down an orange Kimberley dirt road towards a Barred Creek campsite we noticed something fly from the car. So we pulled over to investigate. What we found embedded in the road were 4 Scrabble tile holders and a green bag of letters.
Then I remembered seeing the Scrabble box on top of the car 30 kms back in town. Accidentally forgotten.... it had travelled a long way, until now.

However with just tiles and no board... our time enjoying Scrabble championships were suddenly over and disappointment set in. Luckily we had just bought 'Mastermind' which would tide us over.

The next day we couldn't help looking left and right down the long stretch home, just in case we found the board.

And there, 20 km along, was a board, and even the booklet of instructions.

Something lost, when found provided joy that we couldn't have had if it hadn't been lost at all.

[current mood] Fruit Crush from Broome Markets & The Sound of Silence

Posted by natalija at 2:14 PM | Comments (1)

August 7, 2008

I Have Laser Vision

eyes_in_bandages.jpg

I've been short sighted for 20 years. Ever since that day in year 5 when I cheerfully claimed I couldn't see the blackboard, I have been issued with spectacles of stronger and stronger prescription. The cute pink ones evolved into coke bottle thickness over the years. My eyeballs finally ceased their degradation at a focus range of 10cm - 20cm from my eyeballs.

It was the fateful years of 7 and 8 (& my choice of big round plastic glasses patterned in purple, black and silver spots) that caused my delegation to the 'dag group' and thus creating a lifetime of social insecurity.

In year 9 I changed to contact lenses which was a brilliant move but never managed to move the indent made by those purple spectacles. It is as though those big glasses have forever since sat upon my nose.

So I wore my contacts every day and this was fine for about ten years.
However in the last five years the contacts started getting scratchy, dry and causing excess blinking. Often people would ask me why I was pulling such strange faces (and I'm sure many others wondered). "Oh, that's just my contacts" I'd say. "I have to keep rolling my eyes around to avoid them sticking to my eyelids when I blink."

So laser eye surgery was my next step to social acceptance and lighter travel.

I started to dream of a life without contact solution bottles filling my bathroom shelves and the irritation of having to take my lenses out and put them in every single day.

So I weighed up the cost. $6000. That's equal to 9 years of blindness. ($4500 on contacts, $700 glasses and $800 solution.)

Not a bad long term investment.
It means that if I live til 70 then I will save $20,000.

I shrugged off the fear of staring into laser beams slicing at my eyeball but then there was that fear... what if something went horribly wrong... What on earth could I be without vision?

But with millions of procedures having taken place, what were those chances?
I made up my mind that the minute risk was worth taking.

I went to visit a surgeon and was astonished by his arrogance. So I went to another surgeon at Perth Laser Vision Centre and realised that they are clearly a breed of their own. No bedside manner at all. I don't think the man actually saw me as a person, instead as a walking set of eyeballs - to see, not be heard.
He even scoffed when I dared ask a question.
But with little other choice here, I handed over my precious organs for his operation.
Even if he rubbed me the wrong way, he was surely good at rubbing down corneal flaps... he's probably spent more time with them.

So here I am merely a week after surgery. I'm bouncing around with 20/20 vision. It certainly was freaky and something out of a science fiction future. But here we are! Living this amazing scientific reality.

As my dear surgeon said as he finished the 20 minute ($6000) procedure...
"There. You're Cured Now".

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new_eyes.jpg


[current mood] Frangelico, Lemon and Ice & Not Snoring!

Posted by natalija at 11:01 PM | Comments (8)

June 28, 2008

R.I.P. Natalija Brunovs

natalija_gravestone.jpg

It is quite a chilling thing, to see your name on a gravestone.
However in doing so I have (for the first time) experienced a sense of peace with the idea of being dead.

To stand on the soft earth flourishing greenery that makes a tranquil forest, housing birds and flying insects... in Riga, Latvia.
This place is nothing like a patch near the side of a road in Perth.

I felt like I could happily be under that ground, growing cornflowers.
I'll be buried next to my grandmother, Natalija Brunovs.

[current mood] Entourage Series & Heavy Bavarian Cuisine

Posted by natalija at 7:05 PM | Comments (1)

May 31, 2008

Farewell Mingenew My Love

bubbles_photos_natwithgirls

This is but one of the many images stuck in my mind of this month that has simply blown me away. I have never experienced such tangible success in a community project, such cherishable people, such hospitality, warmth and generosity. I am simply blessed that I landed in Mingenew and was gifted with the friendships of so many. In what other situation can you enter a community and be welcomed into homes across it, have conversations about life with all walks of life and be loved for what you can bring to them too?
I've experienced the luckiest of things, an authentic immersion and a two-way exchange. Words let me down... but I know that this month's effect on me will be very real in my future decisions on family and lifestyle.

I drove away from Mingenew this morning listening to the melancholy sounds of Mogwai. I said all my goodbyes last night at the exhibition (the final group hug sending me off crying to bed). I chose to leave it as just me today, packing up the car and heading off down the long long road alone.
By the time I got to Great Eastern Highway it was pouring. The ridiculousness of having driven 3 hours south from a drought ridden community to be hit with rain so heavy that I couldn't see through my windscreen, was a bit much on the already peaking senses.

As I listened to an old song about home, I thought of the home I just left and felt the tear of my departure. The love I feel for my new friends was shown as I joined in with the rain and cried heartbrokeness.

We all have to accept endings and know that life is full of them. Nothing lasts forever, and if it did, we wouldn't appreciate it anyway. The ends being pain only due to the beauty of the time we had before. The shorter, the sweeter, the sadder.

I try to remember to smile that I was able to have the experience, not cry that it is over.

bubble_catching_sunset

[current mood] Mark Knopfler / Emmylou Harris - This is Us & Mandarins from a Roadside Stall

Posted by natalija at 5:09 PM | Comments (2)

April 20, 2008

The story of the hair lady and the continuity lady

hair_continuity.jpg

The first day they met on set they took an instant dislike to the other, they questioned their role, their attitude, their style. The effect was quite striking, causing them to go home at night and describe the other.
"Argh, I can't stand that lady."

On day four continuity lady confessed to admiring hair lady's dresses, and she smiled back and something melted.
They began to talk, they saw past the exterior, hair lady's youth and continuity's aloof.

And what seemed like apples and orange started to look really similar.
They both cackle like witches, they share the same energy and spirit.
They discover they are both half-Latvian.

Hair lady and continuity lady go home and begin to rave about the other.
"I really like that lady."

By week three these ladies are the tightest of confidants. They begin to see their similarities right through to their appearance. Their cheek bones, and pointy bits.
They compliment each other, warming each other's esteem.
They fall in love.
On the last day they do a cameo in the film together.
Their initial impression is completely reversed.

The moral to take home...
A person that effects you so deeply on first impressions, in a negative way, may actually indicate something you criticise in yourself, that you fear, and that when stuck on a film-set, you are forced to face it and discover something you would have otherwise lost.
Film-sets are catalysts for much enlightment.

[current mood] Special Coffee (ie: wine in coffee cups) & "Girls on Film"

Posted by natalija at 9:33 AM | Comments (2)

April 1, 2008

Camera Shy

This is the length that Tia went to today to hide from the camera.

tia_hiding.jpg

Normally I would respect someone's wish to be un-snapped.
But Tia is so funny (and I was in need of half-time entertainment) so I decided it was worth the chase to see just how far she would go to hide from the camera.
So we played chasey through the set, past actors, lighting and props and down into a vacant shed where she found her best hiding spot...


[current mood] Green Tea & Badly Sung Lyrics

Posted by natalija at 9:36 PM | Comments (0)

March 30, 2008

Comparing Fingers

baby_thumb

I enjoy the past-time of comparing fingers.
I like to put my baby finger against his thumb as it looks so ridiculous.
It makes things seem different than they otherwise appeared.

[current mood] Red Wine & Arcade Fire's Rebellion

Posted by natalija at 10:43 PM | Comments (0)

February 20, 2008

How I view love

budding

Budding
Two people meet and from their hearts a little sprout blooms. Each greets the other with a gentle caress, it's fresh, like something growing and new.


entwining

Entwining
In time (not so long for some) the hearts sprout so many vines, each one a new connection. They get entangled, they graft to each other. The people can't see their branches but they are tree-like. Their hearts larger, more fertile.


being_cut

Cutting
A break up occurs like a giant pair of scissors, the vines are cut, no longer able to grow together. The feeling may seem like a tearing, a rip to the heart. The vines are full of blood, thick from their growth. Now we know how big that tree grew as the pain sent to the heart reflects its size.


wounded

Wounding
The individual tries to understand the pain of all the connections they have lost. It feels like it's all hanging out, bleeding and writhing around for its other halves.


healing

Healing
Over time these vines retreat back inside the heart. The holes where they grew are slowly closing up. To ensure the best healing one has to not try to yank out the vines nor stuff them back in. The process can't happen too fast - the person must ensure that the heart itself doesn't shrink and get hardened by scar tissue.


reshooting

Reshooting
Visit too soon with the one that you loved and you'll find little vines emerging faster than before as the wounds haven't healed and they are searching for love. You can feel them reach out to the other if you stand too close. They will quickly find a way to entangle so be careful as another cutting may infect your wounds.


[current mood] Chit Chat & Stale Sandwiches from Other Peoples Platters

Posted by natalija at 10:25 PM | Comments (4)

I love answering questions about myself

Don't we all?
Hence why it's right up there in the book of 'How to Make Friends and Influence People'.
Well, sign me up as your friend if you care to hear what I say!

This request to know 8 random things about me was sent by Rosemary Lynch as part of a meme going through blog-land.

The rules of this meme are:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. List EIGHT random facts about yourself.
3. Tag EIGHT people at the end of your post and list their names.
4. Let them know they've been tagged.


8 things you didn't know about me

1. I was obsessed with drawing Garfield as a kid and became known for it in school as it appeared everywhere from creative writing stories to art colouring competitions. I even believed my Garfield doll could hear me.

2. I get this weird sensation/itch sometimes which means I have to click my tongue on the palette of my mouth and scratch the sides of my top lip.

3. I'm preparing to take my ex real estate agent to court because they want us to cough up $2000 (in addition to total bond) for turfing the lawn even though it was dead upon arrival.

4. I can no longer look at people sitting in front of windows. My eyes can't handle the contrast of them in shade and the light outside - I get eye pain and a headache. I have to insist that we swap seats so they face the window.

5. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo across my left arm and shoulder that looks like wrapped twigs, buds and blossoms. I want to find an amazing artist who could design it to looks magical.

6. I'm going away with just Oscar (the dog) on the weekend so that I wake up alone in the bush on my 30th birthday.

7. I would really like to be a teacher. My friend Anita has always told me that I'd make a great one and I hold on to that.

8. When I was 20 I worked as a graphic designer for phone-sex ads. I was forced to write the copy as well. I started shy and ended up with a wealth of euphemisms. I was fired after a month for not being 'committed' enough.


Tagging
Michael Efford
Carla Kreuser
Mark
Karen Cheng
Panda
Fee
Miss Dot
Iris Flavia


[current mood] Sleeping In & Speeding on my motorbike

Posted by natalija at 6:21 AM | Comments (0)

February 13, 2008

Sorry

sorry_letters

Today the prime minister of Australia said SORRY to the indigenous people of Australia for the past injustices.

I was amongst a crowd that flowed from a building and into the park outside as we couldn't fit in to see the live telecast.
After initial disappointment of being stuck outside as the speech began, we silently, en masse bowed our heads. We listened to his every word. It had all the feelings of an historical moment.

Those were the most heart felt words I've heard an Australian prime minister speak. Rudd manages to be both earnest and spirited. And what struck me was how intelligibly he spoke, connecting himself with his audience.

It's hard to escape the activist attitude towards politicians which is often lined with suspicion and doubt. But I want to say that after years of being at rallies and on petitions, to finally hear this speech was truly spectacular and it is about time we celebrated!
I want to believe that Australia is shifting as a nation - that we are being lead by someone who has the ability to carry us into a different consciousness with his words and actions.
I can feel it happening and feel entirely grateful that John Howard is gone and that we have a leader that reflects what it means to be human.

SORRY is an easy word to say if you learn how - it is harder to mean it, to give it the energy you intend. Rudd meant it today. And what makes SORRY powerful is when it is accepted with an open mind and heart. To see the news focus on this 'good news' (about bloody time) and show the tears spilling from the indigenous eyes, it felt like we had taken the first step towards reconciliation.

I took the time to think about SORRY as I collected things around my garden to form its every letter.

And here are some of those letters in context...

r_pavement

r_soil

y_table

[current mood] No coffee & Do Make Say Think

Posted by natalija at 6:03 PM | Comments (2)

January 13, 2008

Riverside Quadrants and Reflections on Artistry

riverside_quadrants

My afternoon was spent pondering the definition of being an artist.
I know (most of the time) that I am an artist whether I show it in form or not.
I believe I breathe it and see it and sometimes speak it and then, occasionally I make it.
But the product - is that what makes me an artist?
What if the product blows away? What if the product isn't captured? What if I just saw it? What if I just thought it?
Can I be an artist and not prove it?

But don't they (in thine spiritual world) say 'being' is better than 'doing' anyway?

However when asked 'What kind of artist are you?" I do find that too difficult to say without product. I often disdainfully reply with the digestible "I'm mostly a graphic designer". The commercialisation of me the artist was never my intention, sadly, it was a result of my parents pushing me away from studying art and towards design despite me not knowing what it was.

And years on I am still drawn to the art side of being and have barely any interest in design books, talks and product shimmer. I don't find much soul in it.

(I strongly believe that design is creative problem solving and not often art unless you are ignoring the goal of shifting product and are instead exercising your personal expression).

So am I a frustrated artist? What would happen if I stopped with that design and put my focus on being the artist. If I just let myself breathe into it and see what emerged?

It's what I'm working towards whilst maintaining that I am an artist now and always have been.

Being an artist my friend -
It's in your mind, your footsteps, your words. It's in your eyes, in your humour, in your little songs in the cupboard while you're dressing, in the way you curl that leaf into a hole in the table and contemplate it's curly shadows and how you imagine the world.


[current mood] Scrubs & Poached Peaches

Posted by natalija at 9:53 PM | Comments (1)

December 21, 2007

Why I haven't been blogging much lately

I got distracted by love.


nat_paris_kissing


I may surface soon.

Love & Vision & Lightness,
x natalija

Posted by natalija at 5:54 PM | Comments (5)

November 30, 2007

Green Laundering

If marketing directors know what sells,
then this has to be a good sign? Right?


switch_green_energy


reduce_carbon_emissions

By using an acute green wash to sell a drink, they're telling me that green is a powerful message, one that gets attention and one that has gone from the hippy domain to the bogans.

However, I may not be so amused...
It cheapens a really important message, besides the sense of 'using' it for profit. It also suggests that it may be a fad if it can be used as a pitch. Advertising for the mainstream always uses what is the most ephemeral and trendy. It therefore says that 'green' is truly part of the zeitgeist. And a zeigeist will change...

So my concern is that if the green theme can be used inaccurately so as to actually result in someone buying a completely unrelated product, how can it truly be a green revolution?

Let's hope that green isn't a phase to just be used by advertising agencies to shift shit.


[current mood] Sourdough Fruit Buns & Sneaky Sound System

Posted by natalija at 2:24 PM | Comments (2)

November 9, 2007

Romance is not dead

romance_not_dead1.jpg

woohoo! the heart is starting to crank loose from its rusty disposition.

Posted by natalija at 2:11 PM | Comments (1)

September 30, 2007

Lit Tree

tree_sign_lit.jpg

This is a tree that never sees the dark. Artificially lit up like an artwork in its round-a-bout home. Circled in concrete, collecting smog breath, placed for the precise amount of prettiness on Princess Road.

[current mood] Doing everything from Bed

Posted by natalija at 10:59 PM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2007

Sod Off Mrs Macs!

Slow food? SLOW FOOD?

sod_off_mrs_macs.jpg

Since when did a plastic wrapped, defrosted, chopped up cow in unknown sauce become a SLOW FOOD item?
This is beyond a 'green wash'. This is a green botox injection. This is a fine example of attempting to fool the masses with a bullshit take on a really important concept.

To quote slowfood.com, "Slow food is about counteracting fast food and fast life, the disappearance of local food traditions and people’s dwindling interest in the food they eat, where it comes from, how it tastes and how our food choices affect the rest of the world."

So when Mrs Macs actually drops by your fishing jetty with her basket of freshly baked pies for a good old fashioned family hang, then come back to me with your bus billboard.

According to Greenpeace's truefood guide, The Mrs Macs food company has failed to disclose its policy on Genetically Engineered (GE) ingredients to Greenpeace. There is no guarantee that GE derived ingredients such as oils or GE animal feed are not being used in its food products.

I'm not against this local based company, making the self proclaimed 'Australian Icon' - I'm just not digging the marketing ploy.

[current mood] Homemade Salad & Chai Green tea

Posted by natalija at 6:09 PM | Comments (1)

September 10, 2007

Coffee Free September

I'm about ready to write an essay on going cold turkey on coffee.
As someone who requires coffee to function every day without fail, the cessation of my 'Pièce de résistance' is of unimaginable mental challenge.
I was having my coffee first thing, often skipping breakfast, getting another takeaway as soon as someone mentioned the word, warming up the dregs in the microwave shortly after and then on a supreme high I'd get so excited that I'd go get another, slurping it back before rocketing off into completely wired land to fall sharply down on my keyboard and scowl at everyone I crossed paths with as of 3pm. Now some freaks manage 5 cups a day, but when I hit 3 I realised that coffee had got the better of me and that with all the horrid symptoms lining up, that I simply could not NOT have a coffee. That was the part that irked me - that coffee was having me!
My skin was looking horribly dehydrated, my digestion was beginning to fail rather chronically, my moods were swaying and my come-downs were getting more extreme.

I knew I had to stop. I just couldn't. Most nights as I went to bed I would promise myself that tomorrow would be my first day of no coffee. But every morning by 9am my brain had constructed several convincing arguments in favour of the flavour - it tried everything from 'it's fun' to 'one more won't hurt' to 'live fast, die young' ... the voice of the addict got stronger and stronger.
In fact it was all very tied up in my ability to create. I need coffee for inspiration! I have claimed it oh so many times as a part of my creative process.

But the fundamental concern of mine has been that coffee is the high I give myself to cope with everyday boredom. That ultimately I am not satisfied with daily banality so I take this drink and bring on a sense of excitement, a desire to DO and to enjoy what the next few hours brings. So it is wrapped up in my ability to keep doing what I do. The fear of what may lie before me without coffee would begin to send myself into mild panic.

...Then I met someone...
who was a living example of so many things that I want to be. And I saw, one evening, a glimpse of what is possible for me. It was a reminder of my deeper longing to be grounded, loving, calm and have every day be a slow and soulful experience. Yep, I am a hippy at heart, and it may sound a bit lame when you put it in words - but frankly it is who I actually am and all this other junk is just bringing me closer to my death in a cyclic and sped up process. Coffee is not bringing me the kind of happiness I seek.

So I woke up on Sunday September 2nd and stopped. Luckily I had a hangover so it took the edge off my regular routine. And I proclaimed it 'Coffee Free September'. If I said it was 'forever' I would have certainly freaked out.

Besides the headaches that have come and gone, I have found that this deep understanding of my long term vision is outweighing the short term need. It has also been an enlightening experience so far. Every hour for the first three days I was having epiphanies about how humans fill their lives with 'hits'. What was going to replace my coffee hit? Green tea? Chocolate? An endorphin laden hug? A session of weights at the gym? I began to notice how all these 'filler's' were all things that would take me from a flat emotional state to a peak. And that most of these resulted in a future craving or slump. Were any better or worse than others? I started contemplating that maybe life was about avoiding our void - that blank space in which we are left with just us - a quietness that feels uncomfortable.
But also that the 'needs' kept shouting out in me, feed me, give me sugar, give me movement, give me energy - and that the ability to let these needs flow on and dissipate holds the essence of a Buddhist perspective.
So with every need that I let slide by, I felt a calmness emerge. And at the same time I had some control over my mind. I didn't have to respond to it. And I had, by week one, achieved so much by not having one cup of coffee.
I know that this is just the first step on a new and long winding path, but it is the one that is causing the new paving stones to form.

Besides all this spiritually moving stuff, I have now noticed my skin glowing, my eyes brightening and my mood staying at quite a blissfully content level. I feel more present and the great news is, I am communicating better and being more productive and more creative than in my coffee-fueled state.

So coffee free September! Join in if you like, I'm recruiting!
Clearly!


[current mood] Ploy Thai & Tegan and Sarah

Posted by natalija at 11:00 PM | Comments (1)

August 20, 2007

Where art thou Nat?

I'm eating cake!

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I've had no less than 4 emails in the past half an hour questioning my ok-ness based on a lack of posts. I have been feeling the pressure of publication duty this past week - as though my blog has a responsibility to the reader. If I don't publish, I'll lose you!

I'd like to say I've been too busy eating cake....
but it's a whole bunch of other things that have contributed to silence. Moving office, living and breathing design, applying for a project in china, going on a little holiday, making films and spending time with someone special...

However it simply comes down to a lack of inspiration. It happens. Stress the biggest culprit in my life for killing off anything that could be deemed as a bubble of light. But soon, so soon, I will finish eating my cake, and you will have some too.
x

Posted by natalija at 10:58 PM | Comments (7)

August 6, 2007

The Colour of Poo

I'm as poopy as poops can be today...


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It may not be helped by my sleepless Saturday night spent in a tent of minus degrees in Toojay, made considerably worse by drunk boys pulling the tent down around us, turning us over inside and then sitting on us. Twice.

It may be understandable considering my current situation of being unable to piss, shit or shower at home due to every vessel that water normally goes down, coming up instead.

It may even be expected with two wet and dirty dogs in the house, pulling apart everything once treasured... unaware that they might have us kicked out in the next fortnight.

And it is certainly justifiable as I shift my entire office to a new space, alone, lugging boxes and tabletops, with no goodbyes and no kind gestures. It makes me feel pretty sure that I'm doing the right thing though.

I may only be moving ten metres to the office space next door, but it can be lonely making change by yourself.

[current mood] Isn't it obvious?

Posted by natalija at 3:35 PM | Comments (2)

July 11, 2007

Dreadlocks - 3 cons

After contemplating the aesthetic and intrinsic values to be found in a head of dreadlocks and whether I should or shouldn't take the matted path of hair management, I was hit with the coup de grace:


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mmm, I find nothing more pleasurable than fingers running through my hair.


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When done correctly....

Posted by natalija at 6:38 PM | Comments (0)

June 6, 2007

stresssssss

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As I sit here with mere hours to go, unpacked, still designing, and still procrastinating by doing such things as blogging and photographing my wall of coffee (visual proof of my state of mind)...

I reflect on the memory of every pre-trip being exactly the same. I remember moving to London in 2000 and sitting amongst a pile of boxes I had just moved home, finding what I needed amongst old diaries and cutlery, I distinctly recall the words of my head shaking, arms crossed mother... "Why on earth do you leave things til the last minute and end up in this ridiculous chaos!" and here I am, 7 years later, but mum can't see me.. harhar!
So I only have my self to reprimand me.

I noticed just before as my workflow was easing up and it looked like an end was in sight that a glimmer of disappointment hit me. What!? It dawned on me that I was actually enjoying this state of stress, this multi coffeeed high, the increased heart rate and dehydration, that in fact I found it fun, and that I didn't really want to go home with time to relax and pack.

So I am addicted to the stress. And I make it worse (ie better) by consuming sugar and caffeine and saying 'yes' to more than I can manage.
I'm a work-slut! oh my god....
This is just a very immediate realisation and one I now plan to beat out of myself with meditation and some om shantis.

[current mood] All things High

Posted by natalija at 1:46 PM | Comments (1)

June 2, 2007

Don't you hate it...

... when you lose your passport four days before you're meant to leave the country?

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Just another reminder of how messy my life is. I'm up-turning my inbox trays, I'm sifting through unpacked bags from 6 months ago, I'm calling my parents, I'm looking in the many 'sort later' boxes at work.... not one sign of embossed blue....
Guess I'll be travelling as an American (Dad's got that passport on his passport shelf), but it won't let me back into the country.

I can see all members of my family rolling their eyes right now.

But if all things go according to my not-plan of 'everything just works out in the end' then I'll leave on Thursday for the delights of the above three foods' countries of origin..

[current mood] Herbal Recovery Gel & Compuer Whirrrr

Posted by natalija at 1:34 PM | Comments (3)

May 27, 2007

How many Oysters can an Oyster Shucker Shuck?

400 dozen a day.

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This man does it at the South Melbourne Markets.

Moving here is on my agenda (again).

Cons
I have more acquaintances in Perth than Melbourne
Life in Perth is easy and comfortable - is that a bad thing?
I love shorts and I can't wear them nor enjoy vitamin D
I couldn't eat roast dinner with my family whenever I liked
I'd have to start over with work and re-network

Pros
I have more friends in Melbourne than Perth
Life in Perth isn't challenging - I should take a risk
I love scarves and I can actually wear them
I could eat and drink at a different place every night of the year
I'd get pushed into having greater, more unique opportunities

Still undecided, but swaying 40 degrees to a move...

[current mood] Margaritas & Card Games

Posted by natalija at 8:33 PM | Comments (11)

May 17, 2007

Subscribe!

I heart FeedBurner

After a blog meet up in which pixels turned into flesh, causing much palpitation, I realised I needed to sort out my subscription thingy.
So I've tidied up the mess and now have it running through Feedburner.
If YOU are one of the handful subscribed - please resubscribe with this link below.

 Subscribe in a reader

And if you want to subscribe, Please do. It will help me feel loved even if you don't comment... and I will keep spewing up these posts. x

You can do this through Bloglines.

"I blog, therefore I am"

Posted by natalija at 12:44 PM | Comments (1)

May 4, 2007

If only people were a little more like hard drives

nat_hard_drive.png

At first I was offended at the suggestion to eject myself, but thought better of it when I discovered I could also create a duplicate.
If you want to understand me, just get more info.

[current mood] 5km walk & Air Con

Posted by natalija at 9:32 AM | Comments (2)

April 25, 2007

Panda and Rabbit

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The fish in my bowl's only got one eye.

My sister gave me this goldfish for Christmas.
She christened him 'Panda': "As he only has one eye, I thought no one else would have him and as you like to 'save the pandas' you should own him."
A little convoluted but I think I get it.
I thought I'd give Panda a friend and found a two-eyed fellow.
I've named him 'Rabbit'.
Can you work that one out?

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[current mood] Indian Spiced Tea & The Sea and Cake

Posted by natalija at 7:59 PM | Comments (3)

April 15, 2007

Seven Signs of Nat Stress

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Figure 1. Loss of creativity and thought.

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Figure 2. Disconnection of eyeballs from sockets, only reconnected temporarily via latte.

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Figure 3. Anger distributed in all directions.

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Figure 4. Cessation of all exercise. Loss of elasticity.

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Figure 5. Accumulation of paper & food scraps

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Figure 6. Denial and short lived merriment.

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Figure 7. Recurrent Insomnis.

Posted by natalija at 10:28 PM | Comments (1)

April 4, 2007

A kind of date

A date with a stranger that comprises trust (having your life in the others hand), lots of sweat, looking at each others ass a lot,... sort of covers a whole bunch of ground quite quickly.

I went indoor rock climbing for the first time and I really loved it!
I accomplished level 16 (goes from approx 12-30). My hands are still red.
I do like residual pain from physical exertion.

[current mood] Coffee Chill & Hot Chip

Posted by natalija at 12:44 PM | Comments (0)

March 28, 2007

Dedicated to Procrastination

I watch myself, but I just can't stop myself from not doing work.

Today's highlights in a long list of procrastination activities:
I asked Ken to take a photo of the pimple on my forehead but first to draw a circle around it and stick a post it note to me with an arrow pointing at it. (Of course).
After seeing this photo and how bad my hair looks, I decided to cut myself a fringe.
I then researched fringe haircuts and printed these out to take home.
I cut my hair in the bathroom, in stages.
I took photos of my haircut.
I looked further on the internet at fringe haircuts for future reference.
I wrote this blog post about my procrastination.

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[current mood] Shiraz & Krafty Kuts

Posted by natalija at 10:36 PM | Comments (5)

March 19, 2007

A Town Called Alice

I can't get that song out of my head.
Okay, just realised that it is a town called Malice, but anyway,..

I do love views from planes, not just the macro going micro but the simplification of colour schemes. All trees look the same shade of green. Strange.
This image made me gasp so I took it home with me.

Tonight I write from a leather lounge with piano accompanied Billy Joel covers in the distance. I'm drinking wine and wondering about this artificial environment set up by the Westfield baby-company 'Voyages' who owns all the tourism at Ayers Rock. It's a case of different logos to attract different markets but all roads lead to the same money bag.
The resort is grossly lacking in anything natural, I feel like I'm wandering around some 3 dimensional stationery. All tri-ochre coloured with the same type and format. Why did the government give this one company such rights? I feel stupid being here.

Anyway, I've snuck away from 'Pioneer Lodge' to 'Sails in the Desert' to get my wireless and organic wine. I'm not in the mood to socialise with backpackers...
I like how comfortably alone I feel in the rich resort than in the one with my peers...

[current mood] Reflective designer digeridoo music & Crackers

Posted by natalija at 8:21 PM | Comments (1)

March 11, 2007

Red Wine (and Oscar) Sunday

A little Sunday Oscar.....

(and not quite enough in between, but alas, I best keep up my commitment)

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I'm always coming up with ideas for Sunday gatherings. Jam making, music swapping and french lessons..... but finally I pulled one off...
I sent an email around and posed the question - "What food goes with red wine?" and invited people to come over with their idea of the perfect dish.
I provided the vino.
We made our way through Merlot, Cab Sav, Shiraz and Pinot Noir....
As well as canelloni, mushroom pasta, vege kebabs, dark chocolate, halva and quiche...
I am sure I tested the most of all and thus spun the most shite about berries, oak and spice.

I accompanied the evening with a collection of 'latino' completely cover-judged (bought today in 5 minutes at JB hifi) with no knowledge what so ever. Suprising success in that department.

So, there we were - I felt like we were finally the adults table.

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And the kids...well, they ran around our feet in hyper activity and eventually collapsed at the kids table...

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[current mood] Julien Jacob & Red Alcohol

Posted by natalija at 10:54 PM | Comments (0)

March 5, 2007

A Tiny Excerpt

One palm pushes on your chest
The other hand is clenched
My neck is taut
My jaw is locked
What you're experiencing
I am not
It's not playing hard to get
I am telling you
I do not want to be got

[current mood] Watermelon & Indian Tea from Vietnamese Cups

Posted by natalija at 7:57 PM | Comments (3)

February 27, 2007

It's my day don't ya know it

I get this feeling when my birthday comes up that leaves me standing fairly still. I suppose it is 'freeze' mode. I don't want to make a fuss over myself, I don't want to be in the spotlight... but then I always get upset when its forgotten or the day feels empty. I can't help attaching some rather large weight to the day.. no matter how much I logically defy it!
So I stand there not quite knowing what to do. Frozen.
My day, just a day, it's me, it represents my life, it's nothing, it's something. Is it?

Yesterday I turned 29. Sounds kind of old but I've always ignored my age, believing that this maintains my youthful looks. Never worried about getting older... but slowly I'm catching that disease which causes me to look in the mirror more often and grimace! (I suppose that disease is called looming death). It's only in the past year that I've been noticing wrinkles between my eyebrows that cause me to practice happy yet blank expressions to counter effect. And I have to do so much more exercise and eat so much better to keep my same self. More effort, less return it seems.
The thighs keep expanding. But this is becoming a woman.

The birthday in dot points:
Lowlights
- Seeing two ex boyfriends on purpose (silly).
- Lying in grass in the middle of day to embrace self imposed freedom yet coming up in itchy bumpy rash from head to toe from bugs/fertiliser or something evil.
- Having multiple clients call mobile reminding me of deadlines I made for them and having to sit in front of computer to meet my promises.

Highlights
- Yellow sky, lighting and thunder for breakfast.
- Walking puppies with Anita through rain.
- Finding one of the earrings I was given as a gift using mobile phone light in middle of night on pavement.
- Patting Oscar whilst watching the Oscars. And picturing his future bow tie.

I still don't understand birthdays.

[current mood] Yo la Tengo tonight & Gin and Tonic

Posted by natalija at 7:54 PM | Comments (8)

February 12, 2007

Remember

Take time each day to remember you are a skeleton.

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[current mood] My last coffee & My next coffee

Posted by natalija at 9:40 AM | Comments (0)

January 13, 2007

A thought and a sting

Thought
I always feel wiser than yesterday.
By the meer presence of mind I feel more real than I did before, in what is now, only my memory.

Sting
It really hurts when you are riding your motorbike around 60km and a bee slams into your cheek, sting first, and you have to calmly slow to a halt, remove your glasses, remove your helmet and then inspect the fur-ball embedded in your face, removing what you can using your side mirror before putting the helmet back on and crying your way home to the ice blocks...

[current mood] Catchups & Coldpacks

Posted by natalija at 5:08 PM | Comments (1)

January 8, 2007

Film vs Real Life

samson_carnivale.jpg I've been watching Carnivale intensely lately.
Just finished the second season.
I've been speaking (in my head) with a 1920s dustbowl vocabulary (accent in tow).
"I'll snap your pecker off like a french stick"
"Let's shake some dust, children"
I found it an addictive mystery despite how often the characters' behaviour shat me.
The issue was the amount of 'non communication'. They often just responded to each other with a look. They would take at least 10 seconds to respond in words, if at all. They constantly walked away from each other.. the most dialogue witnessed was around 5 short sentences.
It struck me as extremely unrealistic and frustrating. I found myself yelling at the screen - just say something! Just spit it out! It was agonising at times.
I understand why they did it - it kept the mystery up and put the focus on the symbolism and myth of the show.

It extends beyond character interaction, but to how they would say the most amazing lines (as though natural) but I know all shows do it. And so they should, because it's such fun.
It also caused me to think further on how different general behaviour is in a film, from the simple drinking of a cup of coffee to a walk towards a tree. There is a look of such 'deep thought' and every touch, step or look is so dramatic.

Yesterday I went to play my parents piano, and I decided to behave like I was being filmed.
I moved slowly to the piano, looking at it's wooden lid, sliding my fingers across the polished surface, without shuffling or scratching, I lifted the lid gently. Removing the green felt cover as if in slow motion, I folded it seamlessly placing it lightly at the end of the keys.
I smoothly bent over to place both hands on the seat, sliding it in one clean motion towards me. Stepping with only two precise movements I slowly sat on the seat whilst bringing it under me.
I looked at the keys with deep though, raising my right hand, resting my four fingers on the keys and the smoothing then up the board before raising my left hand to gently sit upon four other keys.. and then... a delicate beautiful chord.

I'm such a clumsy person normally so it felt like an amazingly mindful difference that I might try again when I want to practice being an actress or the virtue of patience.

I remembered a movie moment today that I actually had...
I was travelling in a datsun up the coast of Western Australia. I was 19, with a 21 year old boy driving. It was sunset on this long straight country road. He was speeding at around 160km/hr. I was sunk low in my seat, nervous as hell. He was sipping a long neck and telling me to chill out. As we came over a hill, a dozen cows were in the middle of the road - enough time for us to brace ourselves and know there was no way out of this crisis.
After we collided and spun 180 degrees on the road, I opened my eyes to see playing cards fluttering to the ground all around us and a cow lying solo in the middle of the road with its tongue hanging out.
I looked over at him with eyes that said "I told you"
He responded with "fucking cows".

[current mood] Biodynamic Produce & Nouvelle Vague

Posted by natalija at 1:55 PM | Comments (9)

January 5, 2007

Why I Don't Write

As a non-writer who has been mocked by others labeled as writers,
it's been very hard for me to write anything of late.
Notice that little poems and rants rarely appear on my blog anymore?

I feel judgement from book towers, I feel like a stupid artist who states the obvious.
(mostly because I was told).
I've felt like removing this site because of this fear. Just bury it and disappear.
But also torn with the frustration that it doesn't express what I think I am capable of. That I do, basically, have an inability to write on the same level as what I feel and think.
I've laughed that some think that this blog should be a true representation of my ability. But because it has become my public face, it oftens feels as though it should be me! if not better... and certainly if I'm publishing myself, I should be really proud.
I didn't let it stop me in the past, because that seemed like a sure way to never publish anything...
but it is catching up with me now.
Publishing less and less...
This has been coupled with a chat with a friend who feels that my 'in the flesh' personality has so much more dry wit and humour, that I am better in person!! Another re-iterating that he thinks I am better than what I do here.
Such pressures on a fucking journal!!

One of the themes is simplicity... that what I choose to blog about is 'basic'.
I've discussed that my simplicity is mistaken for stupidity.
I believe there is much wisdom in finding contentment from basic shit.
And in all this thought, there has been the timely experience of spending days with a very happy someone who lives and speaks life like a one-sentance statement. "Just be content" (he says).
I may know this is true, but I had to confront the realisation that my brain isn't capable of this much simplicity. (Even though it may be how I write on my blog), I told him that I couldn't be with someone so happy as it didn't allow me to be all that I am. This is fucked up. It appears that I want to embrace my unhappiness, confusion and complexity with someone who understands. But this man sees life as a beautiful thing, end of story.
I read him as stupid initially - perhaps how others have read me? So I had to reflect on whether he was or not.
Has he not actually made the smartest choice??
Isn't being happy the best we can hope for? The ultimate?
Or is it being smart? - engaged with a depth in life through literature, philosophy, cultures, self-awareness...then tied in with a need for challenge, adventure, high quality entertainment and as it becomes harder to find, perhaps struggling to be satisfied, to find something that feels like love, like home, like life purpose?
So many of my friends are at this point, unsatisfied with their lives, despite being loved, being wealthy, being wise.... they are unhappy. They are anxious, they are lost.

I see a correlation between those that read, search, think... and those that have depression.
Not in all cases, there is one exception I know who thinks life is fantastic, he's smart, he's a thinker... he's acheiving... but the one difference between him and everyone else I know, is that he is driven, in some weird spiritual way, he has a 'life purpose'. I feel like I've just been waiting at the sidelines to see his brain pop and discover that its entirely fictitious.
I've never understood his continuous happiness.
But I think he was born this way. So perhaps it's not so much a choice we have, as just how the hell our genes were connected.

I wish sometimes I was born as a simpleton. Blissful with daily life. I do seek this. I do try! When I write on my blog about really finding the stars or the ocean so intensely beautiful - it's because for a moment I've discovered happiness. If I could feel this every single day, life would be pure harmony. But I don't. I just get hit in moments with a contentment that I want to share that doesn't have any great depth, nor any complex way of explaining it. It's just a moment of connection to life.
It is simply beauty - not stupidity.

But still all this known, I deeply appreciate the weavings of words that other journallers construct. Their choices, their expressions, their visions, they just blow my mind, my heart. But I cannot produce this. I wasn't given this gift, I could try and read and write every day but I guess I don't care enough. I choose other ways to spend my time.

I do long to express myself in words that align with the profound feelings or visions I get. But shitty words put together in shittier sentences make me sound like these feelings are crude or incomplete. I cannot translate to you or anyone the power and visions. The words don't exist in my mind. A tear is as much as you might see to understand.
So many times I think my eyes are telling the person I'm with but when they ask "Are you alright?", I realise they can't read me. But I am certainly better in the flesh...

I was told by a writer that I should use my artistic talents to express myself. This was 'my way'. But art is a different expression, not a replacement for writing. I think it can be even more frustrating as the result is so obtuse, the meaning so guised. If the meaning lies in the receiver then I feel even less heard.

There is no particular direction to this writing and obviously no conclusion.
That's my life.

[current mood] Sleep & Janis Joplin

Posted by natalija at 3:40 PM | Comments (15)

January 2, 2007

A 2007 Resolution

In a cloud of inspiration one year ago, I said 2006 would be the year of 'reward'. I think it was on some fronts, mostly financial. However I feel it would more aptly be titled the year of punishment for relationships. Thank god 2006 is done.
2007 is here and there is no inner voice telling me how to look at the forthcoming 12 months, no vision, nothing. I'm wary too of saying something significant and getting the opposite...

So I've thought short and soft about it and now I have my answer:
2007 is going to be the year of moomoo dresses and cassette glasses.
Now I can't be disappointed with the results.

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[current mood] Simple Dvds & A Blank Mind

Posted by natalija at 9:43 AM | Comments (6)

November 4, 2006

A slither of Saturday

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The self saboteur comes forth again.
Just climbed up the hill from last Saturday night and in blissful sparkles I consumed myself back down the hill again last night.
Heading home on my pink racer, silently sifting through the suburban lives. It feels different today. Is it the day of the week? The weather? My mood? My childhood is recalled through the snow-like fallen jacarandah and I know something new about myself.

Arriving home I switch off every power point, creating an energy-free house. Completely - when you add me to the picture.
I un-avoid my plants and water them.
I read someone's blog and remember seeing them writing it.
I contemplate others obtuse romantic writings which highlights ones mental evolution and hides the flaws and fears from criticism. Creating a world of cool around them that works because people buy it.
I am trying not to buy it. I am trying to fly solo and never look at my reflection. I'll project my emotions and my heart, rather than an image, paperthin and ready to crack.

[current mood] Disco & Visiting Friends Between Coats

Posted by natalija at 3:40 PM | Comments (0)

October 31, 2006

Story of my life

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I hear my self saying the same phrases in my head - a lot - and at peculiar moments.
One of the common ones is "This is the story of my life".
After peering into the work-fridge this morning to find yet another punnet of mouldy strawberries and decaying fruit, the statement entered my mind yet again.

Is it the self-promise of good health ignored in favour of other desires?
Half baked ideas that went stale through laziness and distraction?
Wasted opportunities that haunt me?

I dip into disappointment as I throw these old fruits away... and wonder if it will ever change.

[current mood] Bit moodless today

Posted by natalija at 10:27 AM | Comments (2)

October 18, 2006

Post work trauma

Last night was one of those ones where I strut about my apartment wondering what people do with themselves after work.
Why am I lost for ideas I wonder... oh god, do I have any interests?
I can't remember anything.
Maybe I've made 'work' out of all my 'fun'.

I want to have some fun!

All I could come up with was cup cakes.

I've decided to make a big list on my wall of all the things I wish I was doing when I'm at work so I can remember them when I get home.

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[current mood] Orange Cupcakes with Kiwi Icing and those yummy silver balls

Posted by natalija at 3:51 PM | Comments (6)

October 17, 2006

I catch memes

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My energy walls are very porous and I catch things easily.

I try to be an individual but often find myself obsessing about a common thing...
Here are the memes I have caught lately:

Cupcakes
Glitter/Metallics
White furniture
Lashings
Carpal Tunnel

Posted by natalija at 4:53 PM | Comments (0)

October 11, 2006

Perth Separation Factor Zero

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[current mood] Pixies & Fajitas

Posted by natalija at 5:47 PM | Comments (3)

October 9, 2006

What to drop?

When I was deciding whether to take on yet another community arts project last year I was asked "What do you want to give up?"
"Huh? I don't have to give up anything do I?"
He replied "You're at peak stress already, so sure, take it on, but give something up."

This led me to consider that every time I take something on in life that I have to consciously lose something to make room for it.

In the past few days I've been thinking about a list of add ons and thus drop offs....

Add > Drop

Subscribing to magazines and reading them > Crap television and gossip
Exercise every day > Sleeping in
Discovering more music > Self analysis
Learn French > Preening and Plucking
A money making art project > A volunteer art project
Time with family > Time with strangers in bars

[current mood] mushrooms and eggs for dinner & Nouvelle Vague

Posted by natalija at 5:31 PM | Comments (1)

October 2, 2006

To Meeka and Back again

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Saw my last sunset in Meeka yesterday.
Did tear-up as I flew over the strange formations in red land realising how isolated that Meeka-life was. And how this community in the middle of desert embraced me and were just so kind. so bloody kind.

I am truly going to miss it - particularly knowing that it will never be quite the same if I return. It was a collection of people brought together for a moment in time, and many will wander on to new places in the coming months and years.

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A year 5 took this photo of me as we practiced shooting things in different ways. This one was 'comedy' with a pillow.


[current mood] Tattoos of old faces on thighs & Jack Daniels and Cola

Posted by natalija at 10:26 PM | Comments (1)

August 28, 2006

:(

A little cup of happiness brought to you by a work colleague can make you forget that someone smashed your beautiful motorcycle in the middle of the night and didn't leave a note.

[current mood] Metallic Tears & A Soybean Heart

Posted by natalija at 9:32 AM | Comments (4)

August 24, 2006

word hangings

my_hangings.jpg a quick stream of a consciousness interlude between jobs...
memories of love knot around me like smogs bathesphere and those children sing about nuclear war which he speaks with eloquence about on the radio where i've had relations with only 7 the list was shorter than I realised not worth stating now and i continue to tune in ah ah ah cassette was a tragic set of pumps accompanied with duran duran moves last night but gin and tonic gave me reason to stay walking through 10am lavender I recalled feeling like a snob at sisters birthday i dissect myself as to why I ordered scallops with pork belly and creamed sprouts, the braless waitress hair cut still made her attractive always a sign of good looks when you can carry off an orange helmut or a yellow tee if you look good in yellow you are hot i'm not instead it is dirty dishes and clanging chords baliesque in 1995 memory and 2006 is coldish coffee and no texts worth skipping a heart beat for.

[current mood] Smog & Lavendar Icecream

Posted by natalija at 11:21 AM | Comments (0)

August 13, 2006

Political Performances

I think the best speakers in parliament are on the "left" side. It is because they speak with passion, they speak from the heart, they are intelligent and spirited. Watching the debate on the bill regarding placing asylum seekers on an island, I have come to this conclusion. Those that were pro-island read clumsily off sheets, stuffing up their words and resembled little boys. The others spoke like prose. Oscar quality.

If you're just speaking from your head and your throat, believing that people are pawns to drag and drop, you're just gonna flat line.
If you are speaking from the gut and the heart, then you move people.

Posted by natalija at 10:44 PM | Comments (0)

I've only got one plan

The only thing I really know that i want in my future is
an orchard

I can expand on this by listing in order my preference of trees:
Nectarine
Mango
Macadamian
Pecan
Plum
Mandarin
Olives
Orange
Lime

I bought the lime tree in preparation for this fantasy. It sits a little sadly on my balcony awaiting its position in the soil of my future home.

[current mood] Breakfast at least twice a day & Duran Duran

Posted by natalija at 6:21 PM | Comments (0)

July 29, 2006

I'm stirred - not shaken

she has design to do but keeps seeing
blossoms peek through the spaces between space bars
reminded of her head against the car seat
holding the thought that someone spent time on her

a mystery man perhaps
with signals to decipher
looking for the answer in boxes
but like life - you'll never be sure

fantasy outweighs the reality
that is certain
and
why would someone send love
and not desire reply

where can she send a response
so that she may exclaim directly
but isn't this unconditional love
one that does not desire confirmation

love
swallow that word
he might deny that it is

but the gesture is formed from it
so she can just claim it
and so what if he doesn't bond with that
she can't be embarrassed just for him

stop now

she must go back to the design
she snapped up
and watch her heart beat
like long blacks

[current mood] Black Eyed Peas in the Volvo

Posted by natalija at 12:09 PM | Comments (0)

July 27, 2006

Organs

organ_donation.jpg

It took me a while to have the guts to sign over my organs (post life).
But I thought, if ever there was a sure way to be re-incarnated, donating organs is it. I like that I can give a gift of life in my death. And that someone might see through my eyes, love from my heart and breath through my lungs - selfishly, my cells, my self, may continue on.

I've had to get over the concept that I would somehow be conscious that my organs are being cut out when I'm dead and that I wouldn't quite be dead or I could come back to life... yeah, well, I've been assured that they don't remove them until you are definitely dead. And if I'm still conscious - like a soul overlooking my body, will I really feel the pain? Instead I would be excited by the gift. Yes?
Surely I'll be focused on some other aspects of being dead - like Oh my god, I'm dead! This is what it's like!

If you don't want to go to the grave as a beautiful whole dead thing:
Donate Your Organs
Due to a restructuring of WA's Organ Registration method, a huge number of organ donars have dropped off the list. So numbers are down.
Peace!

[current mood] RTR FM 92.1 playing from a little radio by a rainy window

Posted by natalija at 10:56 AM | Comments (2)

July 23, 2006

Chalked Dreams

chalked_dreams.jpg

Once
We wrote a list on the wall of the things we would do together
to ensure we would never forget one of them.

When it ended I realised that we never did do one of things on the wall.
It was a contrived dream that we wrote about more than we lived it.

[current mood] Moving on to the third series of 6ft Under & Lindt

Posted by natalija at 5:33 PM | Comments (2)

July 19, 2006

A Tricky Situation

I got a letter from the government the other day
Opened, Read it, Said they were
thankful?

for a valued contribution toward assisting developing countries to reduce poverty and achieve sustainable development.

Picture me giving a damn
I said nice one!

[current mood] A Stranger's Sparkling Eyes

Posted by natalija at 9:50 AM | Comments (0)

July 6, 2006

The Changing Perth Cultural Centre

cultural_centre.jpg

The bleeding heart of town
Where culture is peeling and ignored
Just grey and brown
and a large staired hole

Soon the sign will go
and instead there'll be a road
and some fancy shops shimmering with glass
Don't enter unless you have a white ass

I wonder whether 'they' will bother
to create a space for loitering
for milling
for thinking - our own creative thoughts?

Will they give us space to wander and imagine?
A place to meet those we know and strangers?
Room for wildness?
Air for imagination?

In our future cultural precinct - Will real art and culture survive?
Or will it just be design behind boxes and walls for those who can afford?

How can art flourish in our town?

Not at the mall
no, not at the mall.

Brisbane SouthbankMelbourne LanewayPaintings in an alleyPark Guell Barcelona
Park Guell BarcelonaPark Guell Barcelona
Click to see close ups of other places of inspiration. These create cities of cultural wealth, visited by the world. Places our artists flee to.

[current mood] Moss & Dim light

Posted by natalija at 3:34 PM | Comments (0)

July 1, 2006

June came and went

So, slowly I emerge from a month away from work.
Now I can reflect on what I achieved...

Bugger all


ahhh! perfect...

[current mood] Ylang Ylang & German Beer

Posted by natalija at 3:01 PM | Comments (0)

June 22, 2006

Vehicle Voices

Every vehicle should be fitted with two horns.
One that goes meepmeep
and means "uh, excuse me, just want to point out that i'm here, no offense intended, just saying hello... sorry"
and one that goes HOWWWWK
and means "major middle finger, asshole!"

[current mood] Mandarin & Lionel Richie

Posted by natalija at 1:25 PM | Comments (0)

June 18, 2006

I might have been wrong

rubbish.jpg

I'll be back with some purple and red real soon.

[current mood] Oranges from Nonna's tree & Sunshine

Posted by natalija at 3:41 PM | Comments (0)

June 10, 2006

something lost, everything found

how beautiful is the notion that two split lovers
find everything they wished for in another
at the same time
in the same city
minutes away
new lives are forming

[current mood] Banana Cake & Gnarls Barkley

Posted by natalija at 9:55 AM | Comments (1)

June 3, 2006

A month of nothings

An experiment with self:
I'm not going to work for a month. I am going to do nothing that feels like work.
Today was DAY ONE
And here begins a month of rambling and probably less to do with art and more to do with what I end up doing with myself. (And mostly for my own reflection.)

I slept in.
I got my nose pierced.
I practiced a mantra - 'I'm blank and I love living life' - to help me cope with potential pain of being pierced. But it didn't hurt! Oxygen is our natural pain killer! deep breaths.
I'm now considering Labret. Maybe next week.
I popped into Spectrum Gallery to check out Janelle setting up for her paletting 'process' exhibiton.
I had coffee with Bec and we got the big ruby red chairs at tarts.
I had a second coffee!
I visited a strangers share-house.
We told stories.
Lots of laughing.
We drove around in a van.
Drank beer.
Ate pizza.
Watched Arrested Development.
I just did the dishes and danced around to PNG music.
I'm now blogging.
I can feel something shifting!! I am excited. I feel 18 again.

[current mood] um... nothing

Posted by natalija at 6:30 PM | Comments (4)

May 24, 2006

End of the world by Text

B: What a nice storm!
N: I'm loving it. So, like armageddon and that.
B: Horses of the apocalypse are definitely running down Grand Prom.
N: We've got some burning trees down on Fourth.. Bit lame, should head your way!

[current mood] Daggy Billboard Hits & Hot Chocolate in Stripey Scarves

Posted by natalija at 7:47 AM | Comments (1)

May 22, 2006

Note to self

thumper
Thumper: He's a bit of a Stalinist isn't he?
Mrs. Rabbit: Thumper!
Thumper: Yes, mama?
Mrs. Rabbit: What did your father tell you this morning?
Thumper: [clears throat] If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all.

[current mood] Gypsie Kings & Prawn Linguine

Posted by natalija at 2:04 PM | Comments (0)

May 14, 2006

Sea Change

could all of my probems be solved in the sea?
could the lick of the cold wave be elixir for me?
If I fall deep within its salty cure,
will I be experiencing a spirituality?

Today it was true
all stopped in the blue
I surfaced absolutely
renewed.

[current mood] Indian Curry Eating Music

Posted by natalija at 3:08 PM | Comments (0)

May 7, 2006

"The make yourself sick" set menu

Sometimes people ask me if I'm eating properly - coz I have some slim limbs and I'm like 'yeah, of course'...
for example, here is today's menu from breakfast til before dinner...

spicy hot chocolate
1 slice crumble
some nuts and dried fruit
a summer roll
coffee
sausage roll
2 more slices
orange and poppyseed cake

okay, so this is extremely untypical eating behaviour... and I only just realised how shocking it was in reflection. Now is a really good time for salad!

Now, speaking of the poppyseed cake - it was quite the disaster on our Friday chick flick night, after we forgot the salt and then had the spoon get caught up in the beaters and cause them to warp into a shape that required re-bending but still continued to make a grinding metal noise... what ended up as the final straw was when...
cake_butter.jpg
I discovered that I'd left the cake's butter in the microwave (where it was sent to melt) and so we had to add the butter to it AFTER it was baked.... mmmm. Actually it was quite tasty.

[current mood] Bloc Party & Bakery Goods

Posted by natalija at 5:14 PM | Comments (1)

May 4, 2006

Salad?

salad_gift.jpg

When I make food, I always wanna share it. Is that my mother bell ringing? Like, give me a family to feed!!
And recently I've discovered salad. That boring old thing that I've avoided for 28 years... never order it, never make it and certainly never crave it....
and yet, there is that bell again... mmm, what I feel like is a nice healthy salad. err, who said that? It is as though these adult things - like baking, like salad, like waking up to Classical music as I do most mornings (I was a virtuoso violinst just before I awoke today) creep up on you... like bocconcini and olives, vacuuming the carpet before guests come over, delighting in potting gerberas, meeting for breakfast, having naps.... slowly they build into the things that 'you do' - and dang! if I didn't say I would never sit around and watch videos on a saturday night or stop at one scoop of icecream... but if i'm liking this stuff, if I truly want to turn the rock music down, then I'm just gonna run with it. Can't make myself sick on rollercoasters just to prove a point. (tried it in Melbourne last month)... oh sweet childhood.. how I miss you already but I bid you farewell....

[current mood] Modular Recordings - Leave Them All Behind & Hot Chocolate

Posted by natalija at 4:20 PM | Comments (0)

April 16, 2006

repeat repeat

Why do people sabotage what is truly spectacular?

Because it scares them that life could be so good, so deep? - they feel comfortable reliving the stories that confirm their self belief that they don't deserve to be happy.

blurred_face.jpg

Posted by natalija at 12:36 PM | Comments (1)

March 24, 2006

piles of colour

Most people do a light wash
and a dark wash.

I also have to do a pink wash and a purple wash.

[current mood] bike riding in new Melbourne clothes & eating home made sandwiches

Posted by natalija at 12:27 PM | Comments (4)

March 10, 2006

Every breath we drew was hallelujah

Listening to my old love - Jeff Buckley, singing out his haunting tunes. Haven't had it bring tears to my eyes like it did in 1997 when he died and I was driving my EH Holden over the freeway with flowing eyes. I don't know why I was so effected. His songs sing of the trials of love, goodbyes, rejoicing in the moments and changing moments... and back then, at 19, I didn't know love. Not of the kind he sings of.
As I listen now, I relate again, with years of experiences in love since - and I cry like I did then.
Made me wonder if every soul is born with an understanding of human's relationships with love - i guess I mean passion / those bittersweet moments / losing / having / feeling / missing / spirit / knowing / magic... and with it all comes its death. Is it worth it for those powerful moments? Is that the stuff that's real? Or is love, as someone said to me the other day, a choice. It isn't something that hangs in the ether to be discovered, it is something you work on and make. Bloody Lilac Wine.

Posted by natalija at 11:53 AM | Comments (1)

March 2, 2006

either or

Good Design AND A Clean Kitchen
Are mutually exclusive

[current mood] Peanut Butter Toast & Wilco

Posted by natalija at 4:00 PM | Comments (3)

February 27, 2006

birthday slippers

A gift of hessian slippers from Narelle. I did not know til 5 minutes ago that hessian comes from hemp! Funny how you miss things like that in life. These slippers might just be the epitome of aesthetic over function! Love them!
This photo reminds me of ballet slippers as shot by the talented Jon Green - Perth dance photographer. I've been talking to him recently and assisted in a shoot in order to witness his style. Such a gentle man. He really shows you how important it is for the photographer to make the model comfortable. The art of photography entails so much more than framing up a good shot. It is also about being a teacher, a facilitator, a conversationalist, an energy creator. Many of my shoots have fallen in a heap when I get stressed (normally equipment failure or self-conscious boys), my ability to hold the room gets lost in the tension of my mind. So, I think an early night and a camomile tea would be better way to approach a day of shooting. for sure..

I am also currently 'head over heels' which when I tried to photograph made me realise my yogi postures were in need of serious refinement... And then I googled the term... turns out it is another of societies screw-ups...

Meaning
Excited, and/or turning cartwheels to demonstrate one's excitement.

Origin
Many people would recognise that meaning. What most wouldn't do is take time to consider that it makes no literal sense - after all head over heels is the normal posture. A version of the phrase originated in the 14th century as 'heels over head', which is really what we mean when we use it. The phrase evolved into head over heels much later as it was used in everyday speech without a great deal of thought.

And in other news, today when waiting in line at the post office, I realised I had two clothes pegs in my pants pocket from hanging out sheets this morning. I clipped them both to my pocket for safe storage. And the thought did cross my mind - and then played itself out as I left - a women approached me to point out that I'd left some clothes pegs on my pants!
Oh, perth, how you will never be able to see the art!

[current mood] Tosca & Herbal Joy from Leaf Tea House

Posted by natalija at 6:44 PM | Comments (0)

February 26, 2006

28 today

sisters.jpg

Me and my gorgeous sisters in life. How blessed that we can breathe these years together. Grow through the walls and share our hearts with each other. How blessed am i. Year of the Parrot! 28!!
Yes, 28 today & armed with gold. x

[current mood] Pumpkin Tart & Baby Cockatoo Sqwarks

Posted by natalija at 5:59 PM | Comments (6)

February 23, 2006

Prayer Flags

Superstition creeps into my life all the time.
I looked up 'prayer flags' on Wikipedia yesterday as I was led to question more what they are about, (beyond the intrinsic feel they create for me in themselves and their association).
In the entry they say the flags will produce negative effects if up on Feb 23. And that's today!
I can't help but see it as synchronistic timing.
And then today as they still hang there I start to sense doom, I feel like I have to go take them down, just in case, just in case... in a mad flurry of wind and fear I tried to pull them down, the knots just weren't giving, and then the phone rang...
And then I'm wondering if I'm not meant to take them down, as it is being made too hard, and I am so so busy... or do I overcome the challenges and jump the wall to bring down the flags today.

I think I will... because prayers unanswered are just not what I need today, and my cafe coffee is burnt - so that might just be the beginning of a bad day...

ahhh, stevie wonder you make superstition so sexy.

[current mood] fear & friands

Posted by natalija at 10:53 AM | Comments (2)

February 15, 2006

My life as a train

I am travelling in a train
on set of rickety tracks
that sprawl into the distance
Sometimes it is bumpy but that's part of the fun!

I can tell I am heading somewhere beautiful
The landscape keeps changing, it becomes more unique,
more diverse, more splendid
I am learning to relax and admire it

But there up ahead on the tracks is a man
furiously trying to click the slats into a different direction
He wants to send me careering into his own direction
He think he knows where I am meant to go

Sad thing is
He just gets run over


[current mood] Air Con & Water

Posted by natalija at 6:41 AM | Comments (0)

February 12, 2006

loveletter.jpg
This is what love letters should look like.

Posted by natalija at 3:52 PM | Comments (0)

1999 Music Happiness

They don't make folk pop like they did back in 99. Folk Implosion are just damn good! I like that I've created my own nostalgia that can't be found on 94.5 FM. Instead it is a collection of music I named "Moments of Happiness"...

The Sea and Cake
Badly Drawn Boy
Arab Strap
Elliot Smith
Curtis Mayfield!

Oh sweet days working on the door at Greenwich Bar and lieing on the bare floor boards in my first apartment and with my first serious boyfriend... just the stereo, no furniture...
and now I sit in my own apartment, choc-full of furniture and hardware and I plug the old CD into Itunes to immortalise being 21.

I am now about to burn this music to share with a 21 year old - who would have missed out on this era.
[current mood] No coffee & Folk Implosion

Posted by natalija at 3:44 PM | Comments (0)

Swing when you're winning!

I’ve had a few of you comment on my seemingly depressed state in blog-life. This really isn’t the case. I admit that I have been somewhat creatively inactive, and thus inspired to write a little less, but in fact life is rather good. Rather strange, but universally cosmic. And perhaps life is even getting in the way of this blog-life.

nat_anita.jpg

Tonight I went to a “love party”, in honour of Valentines Day. I wore a curtain that my mum made into a dress for me back when I was 17 and able to wear such things… I thought I’d interpret love in a 60s fashion. peace n love baby. This is my sweet friend Anita and I. We have recently been continually mistaken for sisters. I wonder if we are taking on each others characteristics. I admire her greatly and am flattered to have a sister in her. She makes up the greater triangle connection with myself and Narelle. Us three shall most certainly grow old together.

And back to happiness.. how can I prove that I’ve been having it? Maybe a lack of blog entries is the pudding…. I’ll get on to slapping up some of my design work soon too, and remember to comment on the beauty I find in the 7am hello with street-sharing bicycle riders, with shop assistants trying to decifer where my liver is, with falun gong practitioners describing their cat that loves playing in puddles, and french bakers that slice their loaves for you by hand….

[current mood] Parrot squwarks & Vitamins

Posted by natalija at 1:01 AM | Comments (0)

February 10, 2006

ever noticed

how a science fiction writer can live a life of banality

how a community worker can have no real friends

how a health worker can have an eating disorder

how an artist can not create their way out of depression

how a comedian can be so unhappy

Posted by natalija at 12:40 PM | Comments (2)

mango inspired

mango.jpg

The way to my heart
is through stone fruit

The way to my soul
is through sun

The way to my mind
is through deep curving tunnels

Or

you can read my face
it does not lie

[current mood] mango & chai

Posted by natalija at 10:46 AM | Comments (0)

February 5, 2006

It's a rocky road

Rocky Road from Coode St Cafe… the mouthfuls of marshmellows, coated in thick milk chocolate, the crunch of peanuts and the chew of lolly raspberries.. each taste a different combination of the above.

If I drop one addiction, another one replaces it. It seems I need something to repeat, something to crave… what are some of these things? Coffee, chai, nectarines, curly wurlys… and then there are those things you can’t eat… work and affection…
What makes a person an addictive type? The need for the crutch? There are so many levels of addiction too. I think it is defined by the finding of happiness within the external. It is ignoring the inner voice and blocking it with a hit of fufilling desire, and perhaps it is an easier option than sitting with the need we feel and addressing what we are trying to fill.

[current mood] Pasta cooked with love & Death Cab for Cutie

Posted by natalija at 7:39 PM | Comments (3)

January 17, 2006

Sometimes I'm so lazy that I'd rather...

Heat up my 10 hour old unfinished coffee from the morning - than head out for a fresh one.

Sit down to work in pj pants, a bra and socks - than actually put on a whole set of clothes.

Hide all my belongings in the cupboard - than actually make any sense out of it.

Wiggle my body viciously in the comfort of my apartment - than going to the gym ten minutes away.

Do 3 salutes to the sun - than go to a yoga class.

Get my $15 worth of veges delivered - than tackle the Subiaco markets

Do blog entries - than any number of paid jobs on an extremely large list… oops!

[current mood] Burnt Coffee & Neutral Milk Hotel

Posted by natalija at 6:10 PM | Comments (9)

December 4, 2005

boxer nat

little_natty.jpg

This photo cracks me up so much. I look like a sour boxer. I’ve been looking at my childhood photographs this weekend to see if I can get any insight into my true nature - that which was evident before my memory kicks in.
It is hard to believe that I existed and thought back when those photographs were taken…
What was there then, that I carry with me now?

Posted by natalija at 5:03 PM | Comments (2)

May 11, 2005

old cottees tune

picking.jpg
My dad picks the beans
that go to nestle
to make the latte
that you like best

My dad picks the beans
for 3 cents
to feed the family
with no rest

Posted by natalija at 10:27 AM | Comments (0)

March 14, 2005

The Tab Technique

Sometimes I feel like vegemite and butter on toast
It reminds me of being little and saturday breakfast
The melting butter should be applied in tabs
Apply the vegemite where the butter isn’t
This provides an unpredictable eating experience
Sometimes I enjoy peanut butter and jam
but I use two knives

Posted by natalija at 8:39 PM | Comments (0)