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September 10, 2007
Coffee Free September
I'm about ready to write an essay on going cold turkey on coffee.
As someone who requires coffee to function every day without fail, the cessation of my 'Pièce de résistance' is of unimaginable mental challenge.
I was having my coffee first thing, often skipping breakfast, getting another takeaway as soon as someone mentioned the word, warming up the dregs in the microwave shortly after and then on a supreme high I'd get so excited that I'd go get another, slurping it back before rocketing off into completely wired land to fall sharply down on my keyboard and scowl at everyone I crossed paths with as of 3pm. Now some freaks manage 5 cups a day, but when I hit 3 I realised that coffee had got the better of me and that with all the horrid symptoms lining up, that I simply could not NOT have a coffee. That was the part that irked me - that coffee was having me!
My skin was looking horribly dehydrated, my digestion was beginning to fail rather chronically, my moods were swaying and my come-downs were getting more extreme.
I knew I had to stop. I just couldn't. Most nights as I went to bed I would promise myself that tomorrow would be my first day of no coffee. But every morning by 9am my brain had constructed several convincing arguments in favour of the flavour - it tried everything from 'it's fun' to 'one more won't hurt' to 'live fast, die young' ... the voice of the addict got stronger and stronger.
In fact it was all very tied up in my ability to create. I need coffee for inspiration! I have claimed it oh so many times as a part of my creative process.
But the fundamental concern of mine has been that coffee is the high I give myself to cope with everyday boredom. That ultimately I am not satisfied with daily banality so I take this drink and bring on a sense of excitement, a desire to DO and to enjoy what the next few hours brings. So it is wrapped up in my ability to keep doing what I do. The fear of what may lie before me without coffee would begin to send myself into mild panic.
...Then I met someone...
who was a living example of so many things that I want to be. And I saw, one evening, a glimpse of what is possible for me. It was a reminder of my deeper longing to be grounded, loving, calm and have every day be a slow and soulful experience. Yep, I am a hippy at heart, and it may sound a bit lame when you put it in words - but frankly it is who I actually am and all this other junk is just bringing me closer to my death in a cyclic and sped up process. Coffee is not bringing me the kind of happiness I seek.
So I woke up on Sunday September 2nd and stopped. Luckily I had a hangover so it took the edge off my regular routine. And I proclaimed it 'Coffee Free September'. If I said it was 'forever' I would have certainly freaked out.
Besides the headaches that have come and gone, I have found that this deep understanding of my long term vision is outweighing the short term need. It has also been an enlightening experience so far. Every hour for the first three days I was having epiphanies about how humans fill their lives with 'hits'. What was going to replace my coffee hit? Green tea? Chocolate? An endorphin laden hug? A session of weights at the gym? I began to notice how all these 'filler's' were all things that would take me from a flat emotional state to a peak. And that most of these resulted in a future craving or slump. Were any better or worse than others? I started contemplating that maybe life was about avoiding our void - that blank space in which we are left with just us - a quietness that feels uncomfortable.
But also that the 'needs' kept shouting out in me, feed me, give me sugar, give me movement, give me energy - and that the ability to let these needs flow on and dissipate holds the essence of a Buddhist perspective.
So with every need that I let slide by, I felt a calmness emerge. And at the same time I had some control over my mind. I didn't have to respond to it. And I had, by week one, achieved so much by not having one cup of coffee.
I know that this is just the first step on a new and long winding path, but it is the one that is causing the new paving stones to form.
Besides all this spiritually moving stuff, I have now noticed my skin glowing, my eyes brightening and my mood staying at quite a blissfully content level. I feel more present and the great news is, I am communicating better and being more productive and more creative than in my coffee-fueled state.
So coffee free September! Join in if you like, I'm recruiting!
Clearly!
[current mood] Ploy Thai & Tegan and Sarah
Posted by nat at September 10, 2007 11:00 PM
Comments
HI, my name is Lindsey. I'm a 20 year old Philosophy major from California who has lately been trapped inside her own head, plagued by questions to which there really are no answers.
I asked myself, 'for what purpose am I alive,' when I should be asking, 'how can I live better.' I asked 'what is real? in death will we find it was all but a dream?' when I should be asking 'what is real here and now.'
I stumbled upon your journal by complete accident, but I'm glad that I did. With my head in the clouds, I couldn't even see my own two hands in front of me. I've been headed towards a revelation, and, in some way, your post helped nudge me awake.
So, thanks.
Posted by: Lindsey at October 6, 2007 1:44 PM
