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January 5, 2007
Why I Don't Write
As a non-writer who has been mocked by others labeled as writers,
it's been very hard for me to write anything of late.
Notice that little poems and rants rarely appear on my blog anymore?
I feel judgement from book towers, I feel like a stupid artist who states the obvious.
(mostly because I was told).
I've felt like removing this site because of this fear. Just bury it and disappear.
But also torn with the frustration that it doesn't express what I think I am capable of. That I do, basically, have an inability to write on the same level as what I feel and think.
I've laughed that some think that this blog should be a true representation of my ability. But because it has become my public face, it oftens feels as though it should be me! if not better... and certainly if I'm publishing myself, I should be really proud.
I didn't let it stop me in the past, because that seemed like a sure way to never publish anything...
but it is catching up with me now.
Publishing less and less...
This has been coupled with a chat with a friend who feels that my 'in the flesh' personality has so much more dry wit and humour, that I am better in person!! Another re-iterating that he thinks I am better than what I do here.
Such pressures on a fucking journal!!
One of the themes is simplicity... that what I choose to blog about is 'basic'.
I've discussed that my simplicity is mistaken for stupidity.
I believe there is much wisdom in finding contentment from basic shit.
And in all this thought, there has been the timely experience of spending days with a very happy someone who lives and speaks life like a one-sentance statement. "Just be content" (he says).
I may know this is true, but I had to confront the realisation that my brain isn't capable of this much simplicity. (Even though it may be how I write on my blog), I told him that I couldn't be with someone so happy as it didn't allow me to be all that I am. This is fucked up. It appears that I want to embrace my unhappiness, confusion and complexity with someone who understands. But this man sees life as a beautiful thing, end of story.
I read him as stupid initially - perhaps how others have read me? So I had to reflect on whether he was or not.
Has he not actually made the smartest choice??
Isn't being happy the best we can hope for? The ultimate?
Or is it being smart? - engaged with a depth in life through literature, philosophy, cultures, self-awareness...then tied in with a need for challenge, adventure, high quality entertainment and as it becomes harder to find, perhaps struggling to be satisfied, to find something that feels like love, like home, like life purpose?
So many of my friends are at this point, unsatisfied with their lives, despite being loved, being wealthy, being wise.... they are unhappy. They are anxious, they are lost.
I see a correlation between those that read, search, think... and those that have depression.
Not in all cases, there is one exception I know who thinks life is fantastic, he's smart, he's a thinker... he's acheiving... but the one difference between him and everyone else I know, is that he is driven, in some weird spiritual way, he has a 'life purpose'. I feel like I've just been waiting at the sidelines to see his brain pop and discover that its entirely fictitious.
I've never understood his continuous happiness.
But I think he was born this way. So perhaps it's not so much a choice we have, as just how the hell our genes were connected.
I wish sometimes I was born as a simpleton. Blissful with daily life. I do seek this. I do try! When I write on my blog about really finding the stars or the ocean so intensely beautiful - it's because for a moment I've discovered happiness. If I could feel this every single day, life would be pure harmony. But I don't. I just get hit in moments with a contentment that I want to share that doesn't have any great depth, nor any complex way of explaining it. It's just a moment of connection to life.
It is simply beauty - not stupidity.
But still all this known, I deeply appreciate the weavings of words that other journallers construct. Their choices, their expressions, their visions, they just blow my mind, my heart. But I cannot produce this. I wasn't given this gift, I could try and read and write every day but I guess I don't care enough. I choose other ways to spend my time.
I do long to express myself in words that align with the profound feelings or visions I get. But shitty words put together in shittier sentences make me sound like these feelings are crude or incomplete. I cannot translate to you or anyone the power and visions. The words don't exist in my mind. A tear is as much as you might see to understand.
So many times I think my eyes are telling the person I'm with but when they ask "Are you alright?", I realise they can't read me. But I am certainly better in the flesh...
I was told by a writer that I should use my artistic talents to express myself. This was 'my way'. But art is a different expression, not a replacement for writing. I think it can be even more frustrating as the result is so obtuse, the meaning so guised. If the meaning lies in the receiver then I feel even less heard.
There is no particular direction to this writing and obviously no conclusion.
That's my life.
[current mood] Sleep & Janis Joplin
Posted by nat at January 5, 2007 3:40 PM
Comments
hey nat,
don't know if you remember me - Paolo, i went to design school with you back in the day. anyhow, I stumbled across your blog a while back and pop in from time to time when something reminds me of Perth. i usually just lurk and voyeuristically have peek in at people's blogs but today the post about your 'crisis of confidence' prompted me to write something.
I think this temporary frustration will always come and go and is synonymous with alot of intellignet creative people who wish to express their thoughts and feelings through whatever medium they choose. No matter how imperfect/incomplete they feel the 'form' of their expression is, i think the subject matter they are wanting to express, if from the heart or containing some kernel of truth or profundity will always come through with resonance. The 'formal' beauty of expression is something that can always be improved or worked on but having something to say from the heart will always resonate with an audience - just like what your post did today.
As for the elusive search for happiness - can't give you any advice on that - except to say that an acceptance of the unhapiness goes some way in finding some sort of comfort - fuck knows? apologies for going all Schopenhauerian on you.
P.
Posted by: Paolo at January 5, 2007 10:39 PM
Paolo,
I remember your name, I vaguely remember your face!
You've given me a little hug here by posting this.
I haven't had comments in ages and was starting to wonder where everyone went. I'm so glad this stirred a response from you. Thank you for making it known!!
I keep re-reading my post with different masks on - wondering what it sounds like I'm actually saying... I think I've done a fair job of putting out a piece of how I think and feel.
Thank you for the description of the heart being there in whatever an artist does if it was created from the heart. Its something I may just have to put my faith in.
I've noticed that with art (and probably so many other things) once we find it easy or we are familiar with what we produce and how we think, then we stop being able to see how powerful it can be. We become blind to how special it is to others.
I notice this a lot - taking myself for granted I suppose!
Yes, awareness they say is the best step forward to change... and in this case just accepting that the life I got is fairly damn fine despite all its troubles, i'm blessed to have been given even one breath. and everyone after that should be cherished.
Will try not to forget that too soon...
Thank you!
Stay in touch Paolo. x
Nat
Posted by: Nat at January 6, 2007 11:56 AM
Natty B..
your jan 5th blog is sad. I wish you love and strength (altho as u can imagine i am a bit scarce in it myself but i am happy to spare some to you).. i love your stuff and who gives a rats arse what people think anyway. it wasnt a ratings blog..
who is this eternally happy person???
i love you...
fabian
Posted by: fabian at January 6, 2007 3:12 PM
Fabian, thanks for your inaugural comment. :)
Sadness is always in me, sometimes I just focus on it. It's okay though, I swim out of these explorations as fast as I dive in.
The eternally happy person: It was our christmas confidence test. Our beachy cheshire navy cat. The one who shall forever be known as 'mushroom'.
x love you!!
Posted by: Nat at January 6, 2007 3:39 PM
Natty B
mushrooms are good for you.. i really need to increase my intake.. maybe even consider rabbit..
xo fabian
Posted by: fabian at January 6, 2007 5:05 PM
cheers, no problems.
Posted by: Paolo at January 8, 2007 6:15 AM
Hey Nat, I come here because your writing's not so writerly. I hate it when writing sounds written. I hate it when writers are so bloody impressed with their own intelligence and craft. What I like about your writing is that it's clear, precise and apparently heartfelt. It never seems stupid, not even self-indulgent, because it has a sheen of intimacy and simple honesty. And because it connects - it makes the reader remember what it's like to see something beautiful, or experience a particular moment. I've not read a novel in years that made me connect with anything. And don't forget that we live in a ridiculous Have Your Say culture, where everyone's a critic, even when they don't have the credentials. Nil carborundum est.
Posted by: Christopher Kenworthy at January 8, 2007 8:50 AM
Would you rather be better in writing than in person?
I look around at my friends and see them all depressed and sad too, because whatever they have, they want more. Too much thinking - too many questions and too much focussing on the negative. You do get lost when you surround yourself with thoughts about everything and forget how to simplify life.
Nobody ever stops to think about the one little happy thing in their day and focus on that. If you have a shitty day, but at lunchtime you saw a little kid playing with her dad in the park and it made you smile, how is it not smarter to make that the thing you remember about the day?
I was really down for a while until I started looking for something each day that made the day worth having - there is always something, even if it's only very small. When you start writing them down it turns into a really beautiful picture of life, and yes, simple, and definitely not stupid.
I think this is a tangent extending from something you touched on rather than a proper response, but hey, who cares.
I read your blog because it's pretty, and it says things that remind me of reasons to smile that I have forgotten about. It's inspiring and charming and far more interesting than somebody whining about "the human condition".
Posted by: serrin at January 8, 2007 9:41 AM
Hi Nat
Chin up - we're out here talking and listening because we're both connected and physically disconnected by the web.
Smokie's tips.
1. Writing becomes laboured when you are tired. Sleep on it and put it aside and write it again when rested.
2. If you like to write, write. If you like to share, share. Generous people will receive more in kind.
3. If you want to discuss writing amongst friends rather than the world at large then maybe a regular writing group is a good idea. Even Tolkien took Lord of the Rings drafts round to his mates for a fireside reading and discussion.
Smokester
Posted by: Smokie at January 8, 2007 10:13 AM
I'm so blown away with all the comments, makes me think I should write about such things more often. Glad to known you're all taking a look in!!
I hope it doesn't look like I was fishing for flattery here, I appreciate all that you've said though.
And I gotta say I feel more comfortable writing again, just to have 5 people I respect appreciating it is enough for me. Of course I am familiar with not being able to please everyone in life. Not possible. I think if I please myself then I'll surely attract those that please me! right?
But in response to Serrin in particular.
I noticed today as I started a 5 day intensive 'emotional sound yoga' course that we had to create a smile. We started to create it on our face, move it to our eyes and then for half an hour we sent it to different parts of our bodies.
I found it really difficult to maintain and also intriguing as to what thoughts I needed to think in order to produce a natural smile!
Try it...
Maintaining a smile, getting a genuine warmth through out you, non stop, for half an hour.
It also truly dawned on me that I could choose at any time of day to focus on things that make me smile. Seems obvious and Serrin it is like you read my mind by writing that post. We completely choose what we focus on, we can smile, we can encourage the smile, we can share the smile.
This sounds corny, but yeah, I wanted to pass that coincidence on.
cheers x
Posted by: Nat at January 8, 2007 2:43 PM
Late shift...looking at PIAF and stumbled on this...another writing and yoga connection.
22 Feb. Patrick Neate showing us how to combine music and words...
http://perthfestival.com.au/index.cfm?go=events.view&Category=wordsideas&Event=slam
Sounds like fun.
The yoga bit? See http://www.patrickneate.com/
Smokester
Posted by: Smokie at January 8, 2007 10:50 PM
Hola Nata!
Relájate, ok? No te preocupes! Don't worry! Things to do:
Make some cool fruit juice, with some new fruit mix you never tried out before, play some Music, hmm for instance the one I wrote you on your blog under http://journals.concrete.org.au/nat/archives/2006/11/kalli_shoot.php#comments
go and buy some nice stuff to wear, summer dress and sandals
And keep on writing!!!!!! We need you!!!!
Besos, Jaime
Posted by: jaime at January 9, 2007 7:48 PM
Hey Smokie,
Thanks for the link to Patrick. I've booked tix for my buddies and I. You going?
I even wrote him a note about my yoga experience, seeing as he wants some faster enlightment ;)
funny jaime, I've been drinking all sorts of juices daily of late. I finally know what it's like to have consistent energy throughout the day. It's a health kick i'm not kicking! x
Posted by: Nat at January 9, 2007 9:41 PM
Nat
Yes, we picked up some tickets yesterday (Smokie and SBA). If we spot you we'll say hi (perhaps the clue will be moomoo dress and cassette glasses!)
Smokester
Posted by: Smokie at January 11, 2007 8:24 AM
Hi! Yes, please keep writing! Your thoughts are very interesting and you express what many people probably wonder about but don't express. About simplicity and intelligence, if you are writing things that people are interested enough to read, you are a writer - full-stop. If you then also write things that people identify with, that they see parts of themselves in, things that move them, there is no-one who can argue that you are not a 'real' writer.
Posted by: Diana at January 25, 2007 1:30 AM
