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January 28, 2007

A scene from my life as an 80s housewife

Picture me this afternoon.
Alone in the house...
It's boiling hot so I tied my hair up high in a bun on top of my head, but in parts it is too short so it hung down over my neck at the back.
I changed into my other mumu dress that is exceptionally short and unattractive, very much like a florally decorated sack.
I then took to the floor with a vacuum sucking up dust in corners. I finished off the house with some serious mopping.
Once done, I left the mop and yellow bucket leaning against the wall and collapsed on the couch in front of the air con. With my thongs resting on the coffee table I continued watching the Best of 'Pat the Rat' from Sons & Daughters.
At that point my friend from Brisbane rang and we chatted about his wedding plans,
I looked over at the mop and bucket, I looked down at myself and thought there is simply no question as to why I am single.

I painted it out for him, and once off the phone proceeded to do some make-shift aerobics in the lounge room which featured the grapevine and starjumps.

I am embracing this phase.

[current mood] Black Eyed Peas & Frozen Yoghurt

Posted by natalija at 8:11 PM | Comments (1)

January 26, 2007

Google Image Fortune

Choose 3-4 words that form a question
Choose 2 numbers (up to 18),

Then Google-image the words.
Choose picture based on first number (page) and second number (image on page).

My question is:


acne-what-to-do 75 nigerian music

And from this I determine that I will enjoy a lunch of sushi, followed by some electro-tech-glow fashion crisis and ending with a little nigerian rap music.

[current mood] Happy Little Vegemite & Meat pies

Posted by natalija at 11:39 AM | Comments (2)

January 22, 2007

I'm Having a Puppy

Sweet little Oscar doesn't come home to me for 2 weeks, so I have to look at his photo whenever I get a craving, I fall more in love with him with every glimpse! I feel that googly excitement of when I first start dating someone, funny tummy, can't wait to see them, distracted by the thought.
Maybe this blog will turn into an Oscar-blog... hmm. okay, maybe just a monthly update.. or as Bec was telling me, like the political blog she reads which posts a photo of his cat on Sundays.

Well, Quite unexpectedly, my family are behaving like I'm having a baby!
Oscar is a new member of the family my mum says, dad is impressed with my choice of breed and my sister has offered to 'sit' him and claims I stole her future dog's name! My brother just grunted as most 23 year old boys do...
Well, for the rest of them, this comes in shocking contrast with the years they spent tut-tutting me on the idea. "Do you realise the responsibility? The committment??" To them (including my younger sister) I am still the 20 year old they once knew who can't be relied on to wash a dish, let alone walk a dog.
(They forget that I have run my own company for 6 years).

But it looks like the 'not running it by them' approach has worked, just go about it confidently, independently and send them his photo via text message as a cheeky introduction.


Here is my latest paid shoot.
For Birds of Tokyo.
It is so hard to find unique locations in Perth for band shoots. We do lack cool dives, old facades and wacky locations. You gotta have some kind of access that others don't so it feels special or mysterious. I need to go scouting and build up a stockpile to offer to musos or models.
This shot was done in Tiger Lils. Newly decked out with lanterns ahoy. They had some auto-changing coloured lights which created a range of different hues on their faces.

[current mood] The Pussycat Dolls & Dandylion Tea

Posted by natalija at 5:49 PM | Comments (3)

January 20, 2007

Meet Oscar!


I know what I'm gonna be doing until I'm 45...
Meet the committment of a lifetime that I just made, his name is Oscar.
He's a Portuguese Water Dog.
That means he is a smart cookie, is gonna love trips to the beach and will swim with me!, he's a smooch and speaks a little Portuguese. When he is older he is gonna look like a Rastafarian.

[current mood] Slight Panic & Shirley Bassey

Posted by natalija at 10:18 PM | Comments (7)

January 17, 2007

Look and you shall See


Saw this as I was falling asleep...
I quite like leaping around in underwear taking photos when I should be sleeping.

[current mood] Kakulus Assortments & God I Need Some More Music!

Posted by natalija at 3:50 PM | Comments (0)

January 13, 2007

A thought and a sting

I always feel wiser than yesterday.
By the meer presence of mind I feel more real than I did before, in what is now, only my memory.

It really hurts when you are riding your motorbike around 60km and a bee slams into your cheek, sting first, and you have to calmly slow to a halt, remove your glasses, remove your helmet and then inspect the fur-ball embedded in your face, removing what you can using your side mirror before putting the helmet back on and crying your way home to the ice blocks...

[current mood] Catchups & Coldpacks

Posted by natalija at 5:08 PM | Comments (1)

January 12, 2007

How do you respond?


'They' say it is irrelevant what the artist's intention was.
Did she even have one anyway?
Most of the time the artist (me) (as previously discussed) struggles to explain her reasoning, her symbolism and messages, it wasn't so much a thought as a feeling.
This is best to avoid a contrived construction.
She sees, she shoots.
The more in touch she is with her intuition, the more successful the results.

So now she has done her bit, it's over to you for the meaning.
'They' say that your experience of the image is of more worth to you than hers.

Can you share with me your feelings towards this?
(Before reading others).

oh! I feel a photography flow coming on.... just starting to receive the phone calls now.

In other news, I finally reached tipping point. I started doing a whole bunch of things I always said I would. Maybe it's a bit early to proclaim - but bugger it - a whole 5 days of vege juices and 6am yoga! Right now I'm feeling like a bit of a vegetable actually, (I need a little wee break from this health binge). But for the first 4 days I was bounding around like a positive pogo stick! Let's see what next week brings and if I have truly turned a leaf (or just a page)...

[current mood] Lying About Alone & A Fruit Salad of Perth Festival Music

Posted by natalija at 5:48 PM | Comments (4)

January 8, 2007

Film vs Real Life

samson_carnivale.jpg I've been watching Carnivale intensely lately.
Just finished the second season.
I've been speaking (in my head) with a 1920s dustbowl vocabulary (accent in tow).
"I'll snap your pecker off like a french stick"
"Let's shake some dust, children"
I found it an addictive mystery despite how often the characters' behaviour shat me.
The issue was the amount of 'non communication'. They often just responded to each other with a look. They would take at least 10 seconds to respond in words, if at all. They constantly walked away from each other.. the most dialogue witnessed was around 5 short sentences.
It struck me as extremely unrealistic and frustrating. I found myself yelling at the screen - just say something! Just spit it out! It was agonising at times.
I understand why they did it - it kept the mystery up and put the focus on the symbolism and myth of the show.

It extends beyond character interaction, but to how they would say the most amazing lines (as though natural) but I know all shows do it. And so they should, because it's such fun.
It also caused me to think further on how different general behaviour is in a film, from the simple drinking of a cup of coffee to a walk towards a tree. There is a look of such 'deep thought' and every touch, step or look is so dramatic.

Yesterday I went to play my parents piano, and I decided to behave like I was being filmed.
I moved slowly to the piano, looking at it's wooden lid, sliding my fingers across the polished surface, without shuffling or scratching, I lifted the lid gently. Removing the green felt cover as if in slow motion, I folded it seamlessly placing it lightly at the end of the keys.
I smoothly bent over to place both hands on the seat, sliding it in one clean motion towards me. Stepping with only two precise movements I slowly sat on the seat whilst bringing it under me.
I looked at the keys with deep though, raising my right hand, resting my four fingers on the keys and the smoothing then up the board before raising my left hand to gently sit upon four other keys.. and then... a delicate beautiful chord.

I'm such a clumsy person normally so it felt like an amazingly mindful difference that I might try again when I want to practice being an actress or the virtue of patience.

I remembered a movie moment today that I actually had...
I was travelling in a datsun up the coast of Western Australia. I was 19, with a 21 year old boy driving. It was sunset on this long straight country road. He was speeding at around 160km/hr. I was sunk low in my seat, nervous as hell. He was sipping a long neck and telling me to chill out. As we came over a hill, a dozen cows were in the middle of the road - enough time for us to brace ourselves and know there was no way out of this crisis.
After we collided and spun 180 degrees on the road, I opened my eyes to see playing cards fluttering to the ground all around us and a cow lying solo in the middle of the road with its tongue hanging out.
I looked over at him with eyes that said "I told you"
He responded with "fucking cows".

[current mood] Biodynamic Produce & Nouvelle Vague

Posted by natalija at 1:55 PM | Comments (9)

January 5, 2007

Why I Don't Write

As a non-writer who has been mocked by others labeled as writers,
it's been very hard for me to write anything of late.
Notice that little poems and rants rarely appear on my blog anymore?

I feel judgement from book towers, I feel like a stupid artist who states the obvious.
(mostly because I was told).
I've felt like removing this site because of this fear. Just bury it and disappear.
But also torn with the frustration that it doesn't express what I think I am capable of. That I do, basically, have an inability to write on the same level as what I feel and think.
I've laughed that some think that this blog should be a true representation of my ability. But because it has become my public face, it oftens feels as though it should be me! if not better... and certainly if I'm publishing myself, I should be really proud.
I didn't let it stop me in the past, because that seemed like a sure way to never publish anything...
but it is catching up with me now.
Publishing less and less...
This has been coupled with a chat with a friend who feels that my 'in the flesh' personality has so much more dry wit and humour, that I am better in person!! Another re-iterating that he thinks I am better than what I do here.
Such pressures on a fucking journal!!

One of the themes is simplicity... that what I choose to blog about is 'basic'.
I've discussed that my simplicity is mistaken for stupidity.
I believe there is much wisdom in finding contentment from basic shit.
And in all this thought, there has been the timely experience of spending days with a very happy someone who lives and speaks life like a one-sentance statement. "Just be content" (he says).
I may know this is true, but I had to confront the realisation that my brain isn't capable of this much simplicity. (Even though it may be how I write on my blog), I told him that I couldn't be with someone so happy as it didn't allow me to be all that I am. This is fucked up. It appears that I want to embrace my unhappiness, confusion and complexity with someone who understands. But this man sees life as a beautiful thing, end of story.
I read him as stupid initially - perhaps how others have read me? So I had to reflect on whether he was or not.
Has he not actually made the smartest choice??
Isn't being happy the best we can hope for? The ultimate?
Or is it being smart? - engaged with a depth in life through literature, philosophy, cultures, self-awareness...then tied in with a need for challenge, adventure, high quality entertainment and as it becomes harder to find, perhaps struggling to be satisfied, to find something that feels like love, like home, like life purpose?
So many of my friends are at this point, unsatisfied with their lives, despite being loved, being wealthy, being wise.... they are unhappy. They are anxious, they are lost.

I see a correlation between those that read, search, think... and those that have depression.
Not in all cases, there is one exception I know who thinks life is fantastic, he's smart, he's a thinker... he's acheiving... but the one difference between him and everyone else I know, is that he is driven, in some weird spiritual way, he has a 'life purpose'. I feel like I've just been waiting at the sidelines to see his brain pop and discover that its entirely fictitious.
I've never understood his continuous happiness.
But I think he was born this way. So perhaps it's not so much a choice we have, as just how the hell our genes were connected.

I wish sometimes I was born as a simpleton. Blissful with daily life. I do seek this. I do try! When I write on my blog about really finding the stars or the ocean so intensely beautiful - it's because for a moment I've discovered happiness. If I could feel this every single day, life would be pure harmony. But I don't. I just get hit in moments with a contentment that I want to share that doesn't have any great depth, nor any complex way of explaining it. It's just a moment of connection to life.
It is simply beauty - not stupidity.

But still all this known, I deeply appreciate the weavings of words that other journallers construct. Their choices, their expressions, their visions, they just blow my mind, my heart. But I cannot produce this. I wasn't given this gift, I could try and read and write every day but I guess I don't care enough. I choose other ways to spend my time.

I do long to express myself in words that align with the profound feelings or visions I get. But shitty words put together in shittier sentences make me sound like these feelings are crude or incomplete. I cannot translate to you or anyone the power and visions. The words don't exist in my mind. A tear is as much as you might see to understand.
So many times I think my eyes are telling the person I'm with but when they ask "Are you alright?", I realise they can't read me. But I am certainly better in the flesh...

I was told by a writer that I should use my artistic talents to express myself. This was 'my way'. But art is a different expression, not a replacement for writing. I think it can be even more frustrating as the result is so obtuse, the meaning so guised. If the meaning lies in the receiver then I feel even less heard.

There is no particular direction to this writing and obviously no conclusion.
That's my life.

[current mood] Sleep & Janis Joplin

Posted by natalija at 3:40 PM | Comments (15)

January 2, 2007

A 2007 Resolution

In a cloud of inspiration one year ago, I said 2006 would be the year of 'reward'. I think it was on some fronts, mostly financial. However I feel it would more aptly be titled the year of punishment for relationships. Thank god 2006 is done.
2007 is here and there is no inner voice telling me how to look at the forthcoming 12 months, no vision, nothing. I'm wary too of saying something significant and getting the opposite...

So I've thought short and soft about it and now I have my answer:
2007 is going to be the year of moomoo dresses and cassette glasses.
Now I can't be disappointed with the results.


[current mood] Simple Dvds & A Blank Mind

Posted by natalija at 9:43 AM | Comments (6)