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April 28, 2005
bye bye bonnie
Life has felt so tumultuous over the past few days. I’ve never felt so stressed, so close to freezing in time, unable to move, to continue on this path. With all these varying job-based stresses going on as well as my own personal existential crisis of the week, it all seemed to come to a timely head when the family dog died. That was when the cracks just split open and we all fell through, just managing to cling to the edges.
Little bonnie and her black wavey locks, jumping about the house on Tuesday, welcoming people, running up to lick you and running away again to scout around the yard.. is on Wednesday in awful pain, panting violently, on morphine and can not lift her broken neck. We have to put her out of her misery. We have to end her life.
It is not something I have really empathised with - the death of a pet sounds sad but not tragic, not depressing, certainly nothing to cry and cry over? That was how I have this far felt about it, but experiencing it has given me such an awareness that when I speak of it, I feel like I do communicate it…
The family dog represents so much. It’s my childhood, it IS my family. The dog scampering around our feet over the past 15 years, is one of us. We associate her with us. We loved her more than we realised. And not only is there now a disturbing absence of a black creature moving around my parent’s house, a part of our family is gone.
But what made me cry like I haven’t cried in the longest time? I watched this beautiful, innocent creature in torturous pain. I looked into her vacant stare to give her my love as she held on with every short breathe. I stroked her ears and her nose to say goodbye, even though she couldn’t lift her head to say goodbye to me.
Bonnie didn’t leave as a dog, she left as a pained, paniced, frozen creature. No soft exit. And my god this is a wake up to the many deaths before me - the many people that will leave us in an unpleasant way. They don’t just drift off, they so often leave crying and tortured.. and there is no guarantee that it won’t happen tomorrow.
Posted by nat at April 28, 2005 9:35 PM
Comments
this has possibly been one of the most stressful weeks of my life too, i blame it on the full moon.
very sorry to hear about your pooch, i remember the sadness i felt when my dog died (drowned in the family pool) - she was 17yrs old, always so loveable. such a tragic death.
let's just hope next week is full of exciting work, fun, frolics and lots of coffee :)
Posted by: mik at April 29, 2005 7:54 AM
I am so sorry to hear about your dog. Losing a family pet is devastating and I often wonder how I will deal with losing any of mine.
Posted by: Krissy at May 7, 2005 6:20 PM
Sorry to hear about your dog. I was so sad when we had to have Oskar put down last year, especially as he was so young. Losing a pet is so devastating - they are another family member.
Posted by: nicole at May 11, 2005 9:47 AM
