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September 2, 2006

What does a girl have to do to get some inner fucking peace?

After a couple of weeks of a sound and light show going over the top of my house courtesy of the local Army base and crippling curfew that is seeing me catch more zzz's than a baby, I thought it time to take matters into my own hands and find some inner peace in a place that has none.

Confined to my house, I have very few external inputs to help in my pursuit - some tables and chairs, a bed that had already seen too much sleep, a book shelf with sad shelves decorated with travel connect four, some lame dog-toy titles, a skipping rope and a shopping basket. I abandon the idea of jumping rope while reading, and instead turn my focus to a dusty yoga mat and Yogalates DVD that I found in the 'Reduced to Clear' basket in Woolworths at Bunbury Forum while grocery shopping with my mum last year.

The woman from Byron Bay who takes you through the two hour journey of Yogalates insists that it is a carefully developed system that combines the best of yoga and pilates. But all I usually see are her annoying long plaits that she keeps messing around with as she tells me to do things to my body in an accent that makes me think she went to LA to become famous and came back teaching yogalates. Today however was no time for my usual snobbery. I was finding inner peace.

I roll out the mat, switch on the ceiling fan and set up two standing fans directed at my head and feet, ignore the sounds of crows hawing and men hacking outside and come into the cross-legged position with my hands resting gently on my knees, palms facing upwards.

And then it starts. A mosquito flies in front of my face and hovers there. So close I can't ignore it. So close I have to break my concentration momentarily and deftly swat it between my palms (that have now advanced themselves into prayer position with a dead mosquito squashed in between).

But I push on. My arm is reaching over my head toward the opposite wall and I can feel the stretch down the side of my body when a mosquito bites a fleshy flash of my back as another one flies in front of my face. I let out a burst of frenzied swatting and a mini-tantrum and then I resume my position. Another one gets me from behind but before I can turn around to kill him, I'm attacked on the ankle.

But I will find inner peace. So I pause the DVD, march to my room, lather myself in mosquito repellent that has so much DEET in it I can small my skin burning and I return to the mat. But I find that what are meant to be strong and striking poses are now sick and sloppy - my limbs slide over one another and the mat is so slippery that it makes a mockery of downward facing dog.

Beaten, I fling the mat at the wall, peel off my sticky clothes and stand under the cold shower where I perfect my own system to achieve inner peace called killing-mosquitos-in-the-nude-with-a-rubber-thong.

The DVD, complete with free rubber thong, will be available soon.

Posted by catherine at September 2, 2006 10:16 AM

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