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June 28, 2006

And then there was darkness

You are unstoppable today, Flip. It seems there is nothing that you can't do. Your confidence is high, as is your energy level. There is no question but that you are ready to take the world by storm. Is the world, however, ready for you? Think carefully as you formulate plans for your new project. Whatever you do will succeed, but you just want to be sure that you are doing what you really want to do, rather than what others expect of you.

I think I had something close to a spiritual moment tonight. I was puffing along a dark stretch of road with nought but the milky way arching high over my head and a faint white line pointing the way home. I could sense rather than hear the soft shushing of Cable Beach to my right and the scurrying rustle of creatures in the bushes to my left, while the soft laments of Air and Portishead filled my ears. No lights, no sense of distance, no cares. I raised my arms to the heavens as I pushed the air from my lungs and got dizzy under a vast Northern sky.

June 27, 2006

Of birthday blues and broken bones

It's my birthday, and I've decided to bake myself a cake. An elaborate one, a decadent one, coated with a ganache so thick and shiny I will be see my 28-year-old face staring uncertainly back at me as I cut off a slice. Though suddenly solo and adrift in the world, I can see no reason not to. After consulting Donna and Nigella at length, I find the perfect measure of gluttony in a cake loaded with three bars of classy chocolate, almond meal, pure butter and cream (diet fanatics, turn your faces away now). The little boys I live with are delighted, have been skipping around the kitchen like mad things as I weigh, mix and melt my way towards our cocoa heaven.

But when I turn my attention to removing my perfect cake from the oven, the bowl of butter and chocolate atop the saucepan full of simmering water explodes, sending gooey glass shooting all over the oven and floor. It is an unmitigated kitchen disaster and not for the first time I curse Nigella's earthy sensuality which has sent many of us mere mortals into the kitchen in her food-scented wake. The boys sidle over gleefully as I wrap the expensive-chocolate-coated shards in newspaper and dump them in the bin. That's Lily's bowl, one says cheerfully, and it's her favourite. Yeah, you're going to be in big trouble, says the other, and I glower at them. Look - this cake is nearly finished so let's just go and get some more chocolate and finish it off, I grumble, and we pile into the car.

By now, it is Sunday night, and dark. The purple-and-pink haze of the Broome sunset has long gone and a slight chill has set in the air. The boys are gaily discussing just how mad Lily is going to be about the bowl as we pull into the BP in search of couverture chocolate (yes, what was I thinking, you may well ask...). Faced with a selection of el cheapo generic brand chocolate, no dark in sight, my heart sinks as far as the cake by now will be back in the sticky kitchen as I realise we are going to have to drive all the way to Woolworths to finish the damn thing off.

We exit stage left, white knight of a car streaking through the night as I hurry to my destination, and I see it too late to react. It turns its face to me, eyes gleaming in a face as black as the night a mere split second before a thump and the subsequent plummet of my stomach. The boys are horrified and delighted, as only little boys can be. Was that a ... I croak quietly, as they launch into a sing-song catalogue of horror. You killed a cat! You killed a cat! They screech, half hysterical, giggling madly. I peer into the rear view mirror and can barely make out the inert shape lying on the road, its life knocked out in one fell swoop.

I feel sick. I slow down. Keep going, one says matter-of-factly, it's dead and you killed it. Yeah, says the other, come on - we need to get the chocolate. Yes, the chocolate, I think, pulling off to the side. Have to get the chocolate. One sighs loudly, suddenly old, wise, defeatist. It's dead Flip - there's nothing you can do. I look back at the shape, still unmoving. You think? I squeak uncertainly. Yes! They chorus, with kind frustration. Come on.

We drive off and the black shape recedes into the distance. I am sick. I am a killer, a cold-hearted cat-killer with no soul, I think to myself, as the boys discuss how good the cake will taste.

We reach the buzzlit aisles of Woolworths in minutes and locate the chocolate to a saccharine soundtrack that make me feel worse. The boys have kept up their cat-killer chorus and I tell them they have black little hearts for such cute little boys, thinking privately that other people's children are without doubt the most reliable form of contraception there is. Back in the car, we draw near the scene of the crime and I pull over to a chorus of protest.

Ignoring them, I get out and walk to the other side of the road, where the poor black beast lies intact with an eye to the sky and half a fang poking out in a semblance of a snarl. I'm sorry buddy, I whisper tearfully, noting the whippet thin body, the lack of collar, the scarification of a cat that's survived years in the wild. As I lean down to offer my last words of condolence, a few last rites, a four-wheel drive looms in the distance. Standing, I step out into the road and hold out my arm, indicating they shouldn't interrupt this tender, sorrowful moment. But I am forced to jump back as the car roars past me and over the top of this poor, godforsaken cat with nary a second glance. The boys snicker as I head back to the car in defeat, with one last look back to the cat that has haunted my dreams since.

The day started inauspiciously too, when I stood on one of the three-or-so dead mice my own cats have been presenting to me each night. Actually, I lie. It started well and then went wrong, as aforesaid boys woke me up cutely in the morning bearing wholewheat pancakes and coffee and wearing dazzling grins. The mouse came next, when I was cleaning my room in a sparkling mood, enthralled at the prospect of the first birthday in memory spent in the sunshine and with a whole day off. But when my foot planted firmly on something still-warm and furry, hidden strategically under a pile of clothes, my spirits dropped just a tad.

I still haven't worked out the spiritual significance of the two seemingly disconnected events. The day started with a dead mouse and ended with a dead cat. Would the karmic impact be less because I killed one and not the other? Or was it the universe trying to tell me that The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh Away? Who knows - but all I know that encountering two dead animals on one's birthday does not feel auspicious at all. There's been a worse Mouse Incident since, when wearing shoes I stepped on one and orchestrated the crunch of tiny, tiny bones. I didn't eat breakfast that day.

Later, a friend and I were discussing The Cat Incident on the phone and between us we managed to put a positive spin on it. Essentially, a black cat had tried its hardest to cross my path on my birthday, but I have been enjoying my run of positive and uplifting experiences so much recently that I refused to let it happen and mowed the bastard down.

Last weekend, I held a giant snake (ooh, say the ladies!) at the CALM wildlife sanctuary. I spent a pleasant if somewhat baffling morning listening to a dissection of the habits of migratory shorebirds along Roebuck Bay and during morning tea went to find the toilet. Instead, I came across a room where several people were standing with enormous snakes wrapped around their bodies while tourists snapped pictures and laughed. Drawn by invisible strings and surprising even myself, I walked in and straight up to the snake handler, whose giant python looked me straight in the eye. Can I hold? I whispered. It was so long it had to wrap itself around my body twice, once around my neck and slide down my arm before it could sit comfortably and dip the point of its tail into my handbag. Then we stood there, the snake and I, and waited, twined together. Its body was cold and undulated gently as I stroked at its neck, smoother than I expected. It is an unnerving sensation to look a snake in the eye and I can't say that we became instant friends, but we were ok. The trainer came over to unwrap it, but the snake was by now very comfortable and exploring the inside of my armpit and didn't like being disturbed. It started to squeeze ... and squeeze. It's all right, the trainer said reassuringly, as I felt my ribs being slowly compressed and my neck being circled more tightly. He's just playing. He tugged at the snake again and it flicked its tail in annoyance, but thankfully gave way, slithering off up his arm without a second glance.

And of course there was yesterday. When I'm going about my daily business as a busy journo in this small slice of paradise, and taking a few snapshots of my colleagues outside our office, this giant pig wanders across out of nowhere, grunting and snuffling and for a grand finale pees next to my feet, before strolling off down the second biggest main road in town.

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June 10, 2006

Of new places and nipples

So I'm lying on the stage, legs scissoring in the air, while a team of half naked firemen fusses around me, performing CPR and pumping my ribs with hands that hover all too close to the nipple region while bad pop music explodes in my ears and a roomful of women erupts in delighted screams ...

All in the name of work, of course.

Welcome to chapter two of "Life on the Flipside", the sometimes gruelling life and times of this budding young journalist in Broome. My mission - and I choose to accept it - is to review the "Sydney Hotshots" a male troupe of laminated and buffed dancers with a penchant for Village People routines. "I want to see photos of abs,"
the editor tells me, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth as he squints in my direction. No longer a novice at these events (Fi will testify to our horrifying transformation from demure young ladies to screeching banshees clamouring to get to the stage so we could rub oil into torsos, after buckets of pink champagne) I immediately put up my hand.

Suitably lubricated, my colleague Jess and I approach the Divers tavern with some trepidation, noticing the crowds of hormonal women loitering around the gazebo. Oodles of flesh oozes out of badly fitting crop tops and feet wiggle in uncomfortable heels until the nervous looking bouncer lets the ladies loose in the room amid a cloud of cheap perfume. We arrange ourselves at a table in the front, near the glass-doored change rooms where we can catch tantalising glimpses of well oiled bottoms, and wait for the action to start. As the music morphs from Top 30 to smoochy hits from bad 80s rock-stars and the lights start their slow circuit of the room, the Amazonian drunken girl across the table gets a little feisty. "We didn't come here for the conversation - we came to see some cock!" she roars, and slams her fist down on the table so hard that she knocks over her champagne.

The boys can smell my fear. No sooner have they leaped, twirled and thrusted their way onto the stage dressed as firemen, they swoop on our table, hoist me out of my chair and carry me kicking and screaming to the stage to administer their treatment. Terrified that the Hollywood Tape's tenuous hold on my impractical top will falter, I barely have time to register their hairless ministering before I am back at my table, glowing red with mortification. Luckily, they pick on me first. Over the night, girls endure pelvic thrusts to the face, invitations to slap arses and "sexy" nipple rubs from a parade of men dressed as policemen, construction men and cowboys. There is a competition to see who can stage the best fake orgasm - the prize is a crop top - and much impressive towel-only-held-up-by-the-knob-while-shaking-tight-buttocks tomfoolery. Ergh.

Through a white wine haze, it is still easy to remember that I don't find stumpy, oily men with retro mullet haircuts and a propensity for thrusting in any given direction all that appealing. Needless to say, drunken girl does, and the night ends with her storming the stage.

But that's another story.

Googlism

According to Google:

phillipa is the middle name
phillipa is sexiest because
phillipa is until he'd actually gotten her into the saddling up yard
phillipa is a softie
phillipa is a rare gem
phillipa is a screenplay i wrote while i was bored during the school summer holidays
phillipa is 16 years old
phillipa is a language tutor in the sssu and can be seen on monday
phillipa is wracked with remorse
phillipa is an ex banger driver and an ex super banger champion she can mix it with the guys and whoop the ass off the best of em
phillipa is a stock car champion and not to be messed with
phillipa is already an accomplished pianist and runner
phillipa is a person with ms and
phillipa is a wonderful
phillipa is not nuts and
phillipa is a sassy
phillipa is engaging as well
phillipa is extremely well qualified
phillipa is a woman of contemplation
phillipa is the "control room of the operation"
phillipa is now taking a management paper for a post
phillipa is a spy
phillipa is an anachronism as she succeeds in her scholarly pursuit
phillipa is extremely well qualified having her diploma of arts
phillipa is a qualified
phillipa is the administrator for leisure and heritage programmes
phillipa is directing a new field project in a rural area of a central american country that has seen little archaeological exploration
phillipa is determined to keep the tradition alive within her family
phillipa is my teacher
phillipa is suspicious; james reveals he is a victim of abuse
phillipa is a specialist in family law dealing with all aspects of the breakdown of family relationships
phillipa is more and more
phillipa is in fact completely bald
phillipa is also the mother of eve
phillipa is one of our most dramatic mares and her foal would make a perfect foundation for any breeder of caspians
phillipa is the presenter of a brand new programme
phillipa is on jesus
phillipa is een engelse die na haar huwelijk met een italiaan in turijn is komen wonen
phillipa is not a standard vampire
phillipa is wearing a lovely dress with a dark dusty pink taffeta skirt
phillipa is coming back to msq
phillipa is a vet who specializes in small animals
phillipa is the director of marketing and services for trilogy
phillipa is a somewhat
phillipa is down in the pits bringing us news from the pits as it happens
phillipa is a putz
phillipa is amongst the top archers in the country
phillipa is complicated by the spelling edwards uses for her butterfly performer
phillipa is my rockhounding buddy
phillipa is the major researcher on a project studying technologically
phillipa is called up
phillipa is a herbalist
phillipa is currently advising upon a range of local authority led developments in towns and cities throughout the uk
phillipa is willing to put something towards it but we don't want to penalise her too much
phillipa is helping us spray paint the jetter
phillipa is from england
phillipa is studying jewellery design and making at box hill institute of tafe though the short course program
phillipa is an equally charming host with world class culinary skills
phillipa is trapped inside and hyper says that the electrics need isolating and aviation fuel is visibly leaking
phillipa is a fourth
phillipa is building his tp
phillipa is a physical therapist for the cunningham and white oak dance companies
phillipa is a most enchanting creature
phillipa is that she died 19 may 1748 in illogan
phillipa is back from san fran yay
phillipa is an official ib pyp trainer
phillipa is located in world space at p2
phillipa is also responsible for calc's marketing material
phillipa is so much nicer than that freak
phillipa is the girl to see
phillipa is a veterinarian
phillipa is also the business liaison and does her best to wheedle reading lists out of lecturers to help her obtain resources students need
phillipa is handling very well ? with good awareness of her dog
phillipa is 99% thinker
phillipa is #3 of a limited edition of 5 from the elegant lady series ii
phillipa is #2 of a limited edition of 5 from the elegant lady series ii
phillipa is able to provide information on commonwealth youth programmes and initiatives such as jobs placement employment and training
phillipa is a historian writer at canterbury university
phillipa is now shifted
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phillipa is also a member of kilpeck senior
phillipa is organising a field rainfall simulator circus for september
phillipa is more than a bit miffed
phillipa is packing and leaving
phillipa is seen here warming up on
phillipa is spanked for
phillipa is currently ranked no 2 in the uk with a throw of 56
phillipa is a consultant
phillipa is a business education teacher

Ha ha ha! Find yours at www.googlism.com