August 22, 2005

August 22

In the News Today.

Recently appointed Pope Benedict XVI has warned the worlds Catholic population of DIY religion on his final day of his visit to Cologne in his home country of Germany.
“Too many of todays youth have been thinking for themselves and questioning some of the contradictions in the christinaity doctrine‿ and this worrisome trend is on the rise. "(There is).. a kind of new explosion of religion" that if pushed too far, turned faith into "almost a consumer product." said the head of the wealthiest religious organization with assests amounting to billions upon billions of dollars.

At the open-air mass, the Pope also announced that Sydney will host the 11th World Youth Day (WYD) in 2008, the biggest international event for Catholic youth.
To connect with a detached youth the event has been renamed Godfest and is due to include godmoshing, extreme communion, lamington drives and all-night white elephant stalls.

"Pope Rockin against the free world"

Also in the news the renowned Gonzo journalist Hunter S Thompson was given a funeral be fitting his wishes. A giant gonzo tower consisting of a clenched fist as tall of the statue of liberty shot the ashes of the late author into the sky in his home town of Aspen Colorado. The drug-crazed sometime sheriff candidate kept people guessing as to the antics expected at his funeral. Other possible suggestions included the mating of a hippo with the ex-first lady Nancy Regan, thousands of stool samples aligned so as to depict the face of Dan Quayle giving the “Murphy Brown? Speech from the air or an over 80s female mudwrestling festival.

"Just be lucky it aint a picture of Nacy we have here"

Posted by alex at 10:22 PM | Comments (0)

August 17, 2005

Today is August 17th

In the News Today.

Jewish settlers staying past the expired midnight deadline for evacuation of Gaza settlements were met by thousands of Israeli personnel marching against their barricades. Some settlers were dragged kicking and screaming onto buses while they hurled abuse at soldiers.

It is the first time Israel has conceded land it captured during the 1967 Israel-Arab War. It is also becoming one of the rare occasions in Israeli Army’s history where it is consistently hated by both Arabs and Israelis. Thousands of hardline Jews managed to get past barriers that had previously stopped tens of thousands of Palestinians to barricade themselves in houses and trenches.

A drunk English Teacher binge drinking all night in Seoul was heard to remark “All this shit continually imploding for a dirty canal 50 years ago…. Wait.. I was going to struggle with a joke about it being a dirty sewer, but I’ve lost where I was going with this…Actually it’s quite the engineering marvel isn’t it? did that stain get down the front of my pants?.?

"Fashion police go hard on jewish settlers"

Also today, The Australian government has revealed figures that 201 people were wrongful held in immigration detention since 2000. The government is some what alarmed that people have been wrongfully held illegally in detention having prided itself on its immigration policy and flawless record of human rights amongst immigrants seeking a new life in Australia.

The Federal Government has also admitted paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to former detainees wrongfully imprisoned. 56 have apparently been held for over 3 weeks. Immigration Minister Amanda Vanstone dismissed concerns such figures were ‘old news’. “In fact if you want to see some old news what about those 161 queue jumpers that having been here for over 2 years? What is alarming is that these 201 innocent people have been illegally held contravening Australia’s immigration and human rights laws, not just that silly UN policy on asylum seekers ? she was to have reportedly quipped.

To correct this error the minister has proposed “the Holiday camp solution? where free holidays at unique Australian resorts are offered by way of compensation. Activities such as meditation, fasting and general improvement of ones self being through seclusion from ones family and the rest of Australian society are on offer.

"Can't stop the party at Camp Vandastone"

Posted by alex at 10:53 PM | Comments (0)

August 11, 2005

The News Today - August 10

In the News Today.

Iran decided to boldly follow in America’s foot steps, adopting the “do what ever the fuck we like policy" with regard to its uranium conversion. The Middle Eastern nation did not seem convinced by the argument “We have nuclear weapons but you’re not allowed" voiced by the UN Security Council.

The actions of breaking nuclear seals at the Isafan facility caused an international out cry.  Turkey pulled out the big guns by using the “shocking record of human rights violations" argument while standing firmly behind the US. "They have, in the past, said they would adhere to international norms and then were caught enriching uranium. And that's dangerous," said Mr Bush, President of a nation never caught deviating from international norms.

 Other “well you’re just not democratic enough.." chirps from Pakistan or “first in best dressed" from the Indian sub-continent did not convince Iran to continue the halt of its civilian nuclear program which has been investigated by the IAEA for two years.

Skeptical of the EU negotiations with the oil rich country, the president is currently sulking at his Texas ranch, unamused he has not been invited to the party despite having the biggest and best toys.

"Irans Breaks for Lunch Time"

Also today, Australia’s top spy agency are investigating an alleged Australian involved in a terrorist video broadcast. The tip came when a man wearing a balaclava and armed with a rifle supposedly spoke with an Australian accent about recent Al Quaida attacks. The use of the words “bloody outrage‿,  “flamin ell", “streuth" and  “fully sick" are believed to have triggered the investigation.

An obscure reference to a character named Toadie and a threat attacking “that bitch from blue heelers and those fucking Coles ads" merely aroused confusion at the Dubai broadcast studios of Al-Arabiya where the piece was aired. However Australia’s top level intelligence soon recognized the slight Australia bent in the rant and are now in the process of deciphering demands which include the removal of Today Tonight. Lisa McLune has been placed in a protective witness program as a Coles Deli assistant.

"Not happy with Lisa McClune"

Posted by alex at 12:18 AM | Comments (2)